The older I get, the more I realize that we all have individual issues that affect our ability to meaningfully connect with others. For me, however, I find that the emotional issues that are tied to my adoption and growing up in a regional area where I didn’t fit in are the most prominent. I can say for better or worse, adoption shaped my relationships
Before we begin, let me shed some light on my background. I was conceived and born in Seoul, South Korea, during a short relationship that had ended by the time my birth mother realized that she was pregnant. The reality of this situation was in the mid 1980’s, as it still is today, unacceptable to have a child out of wedlock, especially if that child was a girl. So, my birth mother did the only thing that she could do and put me up for adoption.
I was one of the lucky babies to be adopted from birth. My adopted family came to collect me from my foster parents when I was 4 months old, so they are the only family that I have ever known. I had an amazing childhood, growing up on the NSW Mid North Coast right on the beach. Having the freedom to safely ride my bike on the streets, head down to the beach for a swim and walk to a friend’s place or the park.
Adoption Shaped My Relationships
It wasn’t until my sisters were born (biological children conceived through IVF) and certain (extended) family members now treated me differently because my parents now had their ‘own’ children and I started to realise that I was different. After the initial shock (at the age of 2 ½ – 3) it just became the new normal, that is until we were all in primary school and people were in disbelief that my sisters and I were siblings.
That was when I started really thinking about my background and the circumstances behind my adoption. With this came the questions and the feelings of shame and guilt that seem to be synonymous with adoption.
It seemed to overtake my thoughts and seeded (what I realise now are) irrational thoughts such as:
“If my mother didn’t want me, no one ever will”
“I’m only worth as much as someone wants to pay for me”
“If my mother loved me so much and she walked away, that’s what everyone else will do”
… Irrational, I know.
Adoption Made Me Feel Different
As an Asian in a family full of model-like Danish blondes, I was constantly reminded that I really didn’t fit in and the taunting from my peers and older kids about not being the same and that my mother just threw me away, shaped the way that I viewed myself. Ingraining that belief that I would never be loved unless I looked a certain way, that was if anyone wanted me in the first place.
From what I have read of other international adoptee’s blogs and articles, it seems that I am not alone in my feelings of not quite belonging. Feeling like you need try twice as hard as anyone else to fit in.
Despite the affection given to me by my family throughout my life, I have always found it difficult to express and verbalise love. Being that one person who awkwardly hugs someone and then quickly pulls away, or the girlfriend that says, “me too” when their partner says, “I love you”.
I was also the person who leaves when it starts to get tough. The person who just shuts down and doesn’t know how to tell their partner what the issues are in case they decide to leave first. The idea of being abandoned again, to me was more confronting and stressful than just taking on all the emotional baggage and just walking away.
That feeling of worthlessness, I have now learnt, was the driving factor behind why I stayed in all 3 of my long-term relationships well past their use by date and why having friends with benefits worked better for me. Allowing me to keep people at arm’s-length emotionally. I feel as though it somehow helped to keep my fragile self-worth intact.
The types of people I was attracted to
It was also something that I had discussed at length with my councilor when I was younger, and up until recently, I didn’t understand how my adoption really did affect the type of people I formed relationships with.
But since the end of my last relationship, I have been on a life changing journey of self-discovery. I have realized that my ‘type’ seemed to be emotionally insecure men that had never really (emotionally) made it past puberty or their early 20’s. I somehow thought that by mothering these men, they would never want to leave me because they didn’t have the capacity to be on their own. Not really a healthy reason to start or continue a relationship. What I have come to understand is that these men, because of their inability to think for themselves or accept responsibility for their actions or how their words and actions effected the relationship.
How I am overcoming my emotional insecurity
For me, the turning point that took me from seeking acceptance from others in a relationship to being accepting of my own flaws and being worthy of having someone want me despite those flaws, was when I met a man that I had an immediate emotional connection with. He was the first person that I didn’t feel the need to try to impress with how much of myself I was willing to give up or hide. It has been such a liberating experience.
That connection has also allowed me to further explore my sexuality. It’s amazing how feeling safe and not judged allows me to pull down my walls that I have built and hand over the control of my emotions that I have held on to, that kept me locked in my little emotional bubble. It has also shown me that I don’t need to just settle for anyone that will pay attention to me, that I am worth more than that. The process has helped me understand what impacts my sexuality too.
Author: Mia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres
Healthy Jealousy: Building Trust Through Clear Boundaries
Healthy jealousy can be a normal signal that a bond matters. Used well, it guides honest talks, clearer limits, and better care between partners.
Healthy jealousy is brief, self-aware, and expressed with respect. It can prompt calm talks about needs and boundaries, leading to stronger trust.
Table of Contents
- What Is Healthy Jealousy?
- Why It Can Help
- Healthy vs Unhealthy Jealousy
- Consent, Boundaries, and Repair
- Jealousy in Open Relationships
- Communication Skills That Reduce Fear
- Expert Insight
- FAQ
- Conclusion
What Is Healthy Jealousy?
Jealousy is a common response when we sense a valued bond could be at risk. healthy jealousy in relationships is short lived and invites care, not control. It shows up as curiosity about needs rather than a push to police a partner. This form can deepen trust because it starts a real talk about what matters to each person.
For a quick community view on ethics and respect, see is jealousy ever healthy in a relationship. The core message is simple: the feeling is not the problem. How we handle it makes the difference.
Why It Can Help
- Signals care: It points to values, needs, and limits that matter.
- Opens dialogue: Shared feelings can bring you closer and reduce guesswork.
- Improves clarity: Couples define what is fine, what is not, and why.
- Reduces pressure: Clear ground rules lower anxiety for both partners.
Handled gently, the feeling becomes a cue for connection. It can even support growth in trust over time.
Healthy vs Unhealthy Jealousy
Healthy jealousy is brief, named out loud, and paired with respect. It uses “I feel” language and invites a mutual plan.
Unhealthy jealousy tries to control or shame. It can include checking phones, rules made without consent, blame, and threats. If these patterns appear, name the risk and seek support.
- Healthy signs: self-reflection, open tone, shared limits, repair after conflict.
- Unhealthy signs: spying, isolation, anger used to win, rules that ignore consent.
Consent, Boundaries, and Repair
Consent is not a one time yes. It is ongoing, informed, and free of pressure. If jealousy rises, return to basics. Review what each of you is okay with, what needs review, and what is off limits. This is where ethics matter. The guide on consent vs coercion explains the gap between real choice and pressure.
Repair is the next step. If words landed hard, own it. If limits were unclear, update them. Small fixes made early prevent bigger pain later.
Jealousy in Open Relationships
Non monogamy adds moving parts. Clear plans lower stress. Decide how you share updates, what is need to know, and what is private. Review these plans often as real life shifts. The article on jealousy in open relationships shows how structure and honesty reduce fear. Many couples find that talking about feelings before dates and after dates helps keep trust steady.
Communication Skills That Reduce Fear
Strong skills turn a spike of jealousy into a calm exchange. Use short, clear phrases. Lead with feelings, then needs. Ask for what would help right now. Agree on a check in time so the talk does not drag on.
Practice helps. Scenes that use rules, aftercare, and feedback teach timing and respect. The guide on BDSM can improve communication shows how structure, check ins, and care notes can improve everyday talks.
Expert Insight
In practice, couples who treat jealousy like a smoke alarm do best. The alarm is not the fire. It is a signal to pause, look for the source, and act with care. Short talks, specific asks, and kind tone change the story from fear to teamwork.
FAQ – Healthy Jealousy
Is some jealousy normal?
Yes. Most people feel it at times. What matters is how you respond.
How do we talk about it without blame?
Use “I feel” and “I need” statements. Stay curious. Agree on a time limit for the talk.
When is jealousy not healthy?
When it drives control, spying, or threats. Seek help if safety or respect is at risk.
Can healthy jealousy make us closer?
Yes. Clear limits and kind repair can build trust and reduce future fear.
What Do You Think About Healthy Jealousy?
Healthy jealousy can guide better care when it is named and handled with respect. Keep consent active, review limits, and practice simple communication. If patterns feel unsafe, reach out for support. Your bond grows when both people feel heard, free, and valued.
Maintaining a healthy and satisfying love life in long term relationships can be a challenge for many couples. As time goes by, the initial excitement fades, and what was once a passionate fire may dwindle to embers.
But there are many facts and myths surrounding making love in long term relationships. Lets debunk some of these myths and give you some helpful insights into maintaining a long term relationship.
By understanding the truths about love, making love, and lasting love, couples can learn to keep their relationships relevant and exciting.
The Myth of Inevitable Boredom in Long Term Relationships
Boredom is Not Inevitable in Long Term Relationships
One common belief is that boredom is inevitable in long term relationships.
Romantic love can still be there in long term marriages dispelling the myth of inevitable boredom. Loads of married couples report still being intensely in love, even after many years together.
The key lies in understanding the difference between romantic love and passionate love. Which is like romantic love plus obsession. Obsession may fade over time but romantic love can continue to thrive and grow.
The Importance of Communication and Adaptability
Want to have lasting love in long term relationships then don’t look any further than communication and being flexible. If you openly discuss your desires and needs, couples can better understand each other’s needs.
Also, being adaptable and open to change can help couples navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life to keep their love life fresh and lively.
The Myth of the Unattainable Passionate Love in Long Term Relationships
Passionate Love vs. Romantic Love
A lot of people believe that passionate love does not stay in long term relationships, and that romantic love inevitably gives way to routine and boredom.
But this idea is based on a misunderstanding of passionate love and romantic love. Passionate love is intense, engaging, and sexual. But it also includes an element of obsession and this can be damaging to a long term relationship as it fizzles out.
Romantic love, on the other hand, can persist without the obsession making it a more sustainable and fulfilling experience for long term couples.
The Importance of Maintaining Romance and Intimacy
To keep the spark alive in a long term relationship, couples must make romance and intimacy their main priority.
This can be done by having new experiences together, keeping a strong emotional connection and being open in expressing your love and affection. By nurturing the romantic aspects of the relationship, couples can keep the passion alive and enjoy a satisfying love life.
The Myth of the Inability to Maintain Sexual Satisfaction in Long Term Relationships
Truth about Sexual Satisfaction
Many people believe that sexual satisfaction just falls away in long term relationships. Look, it is true that you might have less sex over time but this doesn’t mean you find it less satisfying. Maybe quality over quantity comes into play.
Research has found that having sex just to avoid feeling guilty for disappointing your partner can lead to lower sexual and relationship satisfaction.
On the other hand, couples who are open about their sexual needs and talk about it opengly are more likely to have lasting sexual satisfaction.
Ways to Improve Sexual Satisfaction in Long Term Relationships
There are several ways to do this. First, couples should openly talk about their sexual desires and kinks, as well as any concerns they may have. Second, they should make an effort to be more affectionate with kissing and hugging and touching.
Finally, experimenting with new sexual experiences can help to keep the relationship fresh and exciting.
The Myth that Men and Women Can’t Maintain Friendship and Love Simultaneously in Long Term Relationships
Changing Nature of Relationships
This idea that men and women can’t maintain a friendship and love simultaneously in long term relationships may come from outdated views on relationships.
Modern relationships are often characterized by a combination of friendship, love, and sexual attraction.
If you look at some research it shows that people who want to satisfy their partner’s sexual needs tend to experience more desire for their partner in long term relationships. I think this suggests that a strong, supportive friendship can actually enhance the romantic and sexual aspects of a relationship.
The Importance of Emotional Connection and Support
Couples should make their emotional connection and support a priority in their lives. There is nothing more sexy than a partner who is totally behind you in every wayh.
How can this be done? Well through regular talks, being empathetic to the your partner and mostly a willingness to work through challenges together.
By fostering a deep emotional bond, couples can enjoy a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship that encompasses friendship, love, and passion.
The Myth that Consensual Non-Monogamy is the Only Solution to Boredom in Long Term Relationships
A Truth about Consensual Non-Monogamy
While some couples may find consensual non-monogamy to be a suitable solution to boredom in their relationship, it is not the only option.
Many couples are able to maintain satisfying and exciting love lives within the context of a monogamous relationship. The key is to focus on nurturing the emotional and sexual aspects of the relationship, and to be open to change and growth.
Alternatives to Consensual Non-Monogamy
For couples who are not interested in consensual non-monogamy, there are many other ways for you to keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
Explore new sexual experiences or practices, do hobbies and activities together. Actively work to keep the relationship alive is the key to long term relationships.
A Fact that Sexual Desire is More Related to Relationship Quality than Length
The Impact of Relationship Quality on Sexual Desire
Contrary to popular belief, sexual desire in long term relationships is more related to the quality of the relationship. Than to the length of time the couple has been together.
For women, the quality of their relationship has a greater impact on their sexual desire than the length of the relationship. So, maybe couples who prioritize their emotional connection and work on their relationship are more likely to enjoy lasting sexual satisfaction.
The Importance of Nurturing Relationship Quality
In order to maintain sexual desire in a long term relationship, couples should focus on nurturing the quality of their relationship.
This can be achieved through open communication, empathy, and a willingness to work through challenges together. Couples can enjoy lasting sexual satisfaction and overall relationship happiness.
The Fact that Sexual Satisfaction Can Improve with Age
Benefits of Age and Experience
Is it thought that sexual satisfaction declines with age, but that is not necessarily the case. In fact, older adults can continue to enjoy satisfying and fulfilling sex lives. Their experience and maturity often contribute to a deeper understanding of their own desires and their partner’s needs.
A strong emotional connection that develops over time in long term relationships can enhance the sexual experience for both partners.
Embracing the Changes that Come with Age
Couples should embrace the changes that come with growing older. This may include adjusting their sexual practices to accommodate physical limitations or exploring new ways to experience pleasure and intimacy.
Stay open to change and adapt to the evolving needs of your partner. Couples can continue to enjoy satisfying and fulfilling sex lives well into their later years.
Tips on How to Ignite Passion in Long Term Relationships
Schedule Regular Date Nights
One way to rekindle the passion is to schedule regular date nights. This can help couples keep a sense of excitement and anticipation.
Surprise Your Partner with Small Acts of Love
Small acts of love like leaving a sweet note or planning a special outing can help to reignite the passion in your relationship. Let your partner know that you are thinking about them maybe in a way that is bit more risque than they are used to!!
Communicate Openly about Your Desires
Talk to each other about your desires, your kinks, what you want to do or not want to do. You have to work together to create a satisfying and exciting love life.
What to Do When Making Love in a Long Term Relationship Feels Like a Chore
Address the Underlying Issues
If making love in your long term relationship feels like a chore, it is important to address any underlying feelings that could be causing it. You might need therapy or a visit to your medical practitioner.
Reasons could be stress, fatigue, or unresolved conflicts within the relationship. Address these issues and you might find that your love life is flying again in no time.
Be Open to Change
Being open to change and trying new experiences can help to reignite the passion in your relationship.
Experiment with new sexual positions or practices or explore new ways to experience pleasure and intimacy. Visit an Adultsmart store and buy yourself some sex toys to fire up the passion.
Final Words on Long Term Relationships
The idea that making love in long term relationships is boring and unsatisfying is a myth. By understanding the facts and myths surrounding love, making love, and lasting love, couples can learn to keep their relationships fresh and exciting.
Don’t settle for a long term relationship that just goes through the motions. Make some changes now and enjoylong lasting love and satisfaction in your long term partnership.
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