Ask A Sexologist – Dry Stacy Answers All!
In this edition of Ask A Sexologist, Dr. Stacy answers questions from Christian in Bankstown, Sydney, and Ruth in Richmond, New South Wales. Their concerns reflect common yet often unspoken issues that many face. With her compassionate and knowledgeable approach, Dr. Stacy provides clear, professional advice to help navigate these sensitive topics.
We’re honored to have Dr. Stacy, Clinical Sexologist, share her expert insights with our Adultsmart blog readers. She brings years of experience in sexual health, offering professional guidance on topics many hesitate to discuss.
Curious about more expert insights? Keep reading as we explore Dr. Stacy’s professional guidance on real questions from real people.
First Question About Intimacy From Ruth – Ask A Sexologist
Ruth: My relationship with my husband has gone cold. There is little intimacy and our bedroom is all but dead. Our kids are now older and our discussions regularly turn into arguments. I have seen a counselor but when I suggested he see one or we see one together he says we don’t need too. How do I get him to see that things are not that good and we need help?
What to Do When Your Partner Dismisses Relationship Issues
I’m sorry to hear things are difficult at home. It’s frustrating when a partner doesn’t recognize the urgency of the situation. I often tell people that when a partner asks for help or suggests seeking professional support, it usually means things are already at a breaking point. Ignoring these concerns can cause the relationship to deteriorate quickly.
If your partner refuses to take action despite your concerns and willingness to seek help, your options become limited. In this case, focus on your own personal growth and consider what you truly want for your future. You may need to ask yourself whether you’re willing to stay in a relationship where nothing changes or if it’s time to explore other paths.
Try asking your partner why he believes counseling isn’t necessary. What fears does he have about attending? What does he think will happen if you go? Encourage him to consider both the best- and worst-case scenarios of seeking professional help. If he remains resistant, have an open conversation about his feelings. Ask if he’s truly happy in the relationship. If he admits he isn’t, see what solutions he suggests. When he feels heard, he may be more willing to engage in meaningful change.
Understanding Intimacy, Communication, and Therapy Resistance
Have you considered getting away together for a weekend, just the two of you? A change of scenery can create space to reconnect and have honest conversations without distractions. Time away might help rebuild emotional and physical intimacy, which is essential in any relationship.
Are you and your partner still being intimate? Are you having sex? If not, ask him if he feels satisfied in that area and whether he wants to improve it. If he agrees that things could be better, then you both need to actively work toward making it happen.
Many people don’t believe in therapy, and for some, it isn’t effective, often because they waited too long to seek help. In some cases, counseling can be life-changing and save a marriage. However, the idea of therapy can be intimidating, especially if someone fears it may force them to confront difficult decisions about their future. Instead of facing that uncertainty, many choose to avoid it altogether.
Try to understand what your partner’s fears are. Then, discuss his future goals and whether he sees you as part of that vision. If he does, he must also acknowledge and address your concerns. A strong marriage requires both partners to be invested in each other’s happiness and growth.
Second Question About Hiding Sexual Orientation – Ask A Sexologist
Christian: I come from a large immediate and extended family but to my knowledge not one of them is LGBTQ nor do any of them hang out or have friends that are gay or queer. I am 21 and know in myself that I am homosexual but have not come out. It is like a big, dirty secret that hangs over my head as I feel that my family will not accept me if I do come out.
A couple of times I have gone out by myself to some gay bar I know about but as soon as anyone approached me I felt revulsion about the whole gay thing and rushed home. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel incredibly sad and frustrated. What should I do?
Embracing Your LGBTQ+ Identity: Self-Acceptance Before Coming Out
It’s completely normal to feel confusion, frustration, or even discomfort when coming to terms with your identity, especially in a society where these topics are still considered taboo. These feelings can make you question who you are and what you believe. But remember, the discomfort often comes from societal conditioning rather than your true self.
When you struggle with self-acceptance, it’s easy to project that internal conflict onto how you think others perceive you. You might see disgust or rejection in their eyes, but that isn’t reality, it’s a reflection of your own fears. Loving someone for who they truly are is a beautiful thing, and that includes loving and accepting yourself.
Before coming out to others, focus on becoming comfortable with yourself. Understand that you are perfect as you are, and there is nothing wrong with being LGBTQ+. Your identity isn’t something that needs to be justified or changed. Attraction is not a choice, and you deserve to embrace who you are without guilt or shame. When you fully accept yourself, you’ll feel more confident in sharing your truth with those around you.
Seeking Support: Trusted People to Talk to About Your Identity
What makes you think your family wouldn’t accept you? Have they expressed negative views about the LGBTQ+ community? Have they made offensive comments? Understanding where their beliefs come from can help you navigate the situation.
Are you close to at least one parent or family member you can talk to? If not, consider speaking with another trusted adult, a supportive friend, or even a therapist. Seeking guidance from someone who understands what you’re going through can make a huge difference. If you’re looking for professional support, I offer Skype sessions for those who aren’t local and would be happy to help you build confidence in being your true self.
In the meantime, surround yourself with supportive people, whether that’s LGBTQ+ friends, local support groups, or organizations that provide resources. This gives you a safe space to explore your identity without the pressure of social settings that might feel overwhelming, like clubs or nightlife environments.
You deserve support, and you shouldn’t have to lie to get it. If you’re unsure how your family might react, try bringing up LGBTQ+ topics in conversation by mentioning a public figure or news story. Their response can give you insight into their views before you take the next step.
LGBTQ+ FAQs
How can I build confidence in my identity before coming out?
Building confidence starts with self-acceptance. Take time to explore your feelings and connect with supportive communities, whether online or in-person. Surround yourself with people who affirm your identity, such as LGBTQ+ support groups or friends who understand your experience. Educate yourself on LGBTQ+ history and rights to reinforce the fact that your identity is valid. Therapy or counseling with an LGBTQ+-affirming professional can also help you navigate your emotions. When you fully accept yourself, you’ll feel more prepared to share your truth with others.
What should I do if my family reacts negatively when I come out?
If your family reacts poorly, give them time to process. Many negative reactions stem from misinformation or personal biases rather than a lack of love. Stay calm and provide resources that may help them understand. Seek support from friends, LGBTQ+ organizations, or professionals who can guide you through the situation. If your safety is a concern, prioritize your well-being by finding a secure place to stay and people who can support you emotionally. Remember, acceptance can take time, but you deserve to live authentically.
How do I know when the right time to come out is?
There’s no universal “right” time to come out—it depends on your circumstances, emotional readiness, and safety. Consider testing the waters by bringing up LGBTQ+ topics casually to gauge reactions. If you feel safe and supported, it might be time to share your truth. However, if your environment is hostile, it may be better to wait until you have a secure support system. The decision is entirely yours, and you should never feel pressured to come out before you’re ready.
Intimacy FAQs
What should I do if my partner avoids intimacy but refuses to seek help?
If your partner is avoiding intimacy and won’t seek help, start by having an open and honest conversation. Ask about their feelings regarding the relationship and whether they’re experiencing emotional or physical barriers. Avoid blame and express your desire to reconnect rather than just pointing out the issue. If they refuse therapy, suggest alternative ways to rebuild intimacy, such as couples’ exercises, scheduled quality time, or non-sexual physical touch. If they remain unwilling, consider whether their lack of effort aligns with what you want in a relationship.
Can a weekend getaway really help rekindle intimacy in a relationship?
Yes, a weekend away can provide a much-needed break from daily stress and distractions, allowing couples to focus on each other. A change of scenery can create opportunities for deeper conversations, physical closeness, and reconnection. Plan activities that encourage bonding, such as spa treatments, nature walks, or even simple, uninterrupted time together. While a short trip won’t fix long-term problems, it can serve as a reset and help reignite emotional and physical intimacy.
How can I bring up the idea of therapy if my partner thinks counseling won’t help?
Many people resist therapy due to fear, stigma, or past negative experiences. Instead of insisting they attend, ask open-ended questions about their hesitations. Find out what they believe will happen in therapy and address those concerns with information on how counseling actually works. Reassure them that therapy isn’t about placing blame but rather about improving communication and understanding. You can also suggest an initial session with a neutral approach, such as “just trying it once” to see if it feels helpful. If they still refuse, consider seeking individual support to navigate the situation.
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Unlock free advice from Clinical Sexologist Dr. Stacy Friedman! Your questions may be featured in Adultsmart’s blog. Email askasexologist@gmail.com.
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