Giving Up Clitoral Orgasms
If you are a woman and have experienced a clitoral orgasm, you may question why anyone would want to give them up. For numerous reasons, which I will attempt to explain, I decided I was giving up clitoral orgasms for three weeks. Sounds a little crazy however I received many benefits from this exploration that have changed the way I look at self-pleasuring and sex. Here is an insight into my experience:
The clitoris is an amazing body part, its sole purpose for existing intended to make women feel good and provide them pleasure. I have spoken to many women and for the most part, compared with vaginal or cervical orgasms, clitoral orgasms are the most commonly experienced. For many women orgasms are easily attainable with vibrator stimulation or manual stimulation which are some of the main ways women reach a peak clitoral orgasm.
Why Did I Decide To Undergo This Journey?
A couple of weeks leading into the decision to avoid clitoral orgasms for 21 days, I had noticed some changes in the way I was self-pleasuring and having sex with my partner. Now for many people I am sure these changes would not have been anything too concerning however my area of personal growth centres around my sexuality and sexual energy so for the most part, I have a clear awareness in regards to changes in myself sexually.
Sex was beginning to become goal oriented, with an orgasm the main focus during my love making sessions with my man. This seemed to be some old patterns and ways of being that were resurfacing which I was finding frustrating. I found myself not being completely present and embodied during my experiences being intimate with him, which ultimately took away from the connection we share.
I Was Focusing More On The Orgasm Rather Than The Act
It is also an interesting thing to know that whilst I was focused on an orgasm, which at the time seemed like the ultimate in pleasure, I was actually missing out on a copious amount of pleasure. Seeking takes us out of our bodies and into our minds which is where we spend way too much time to begin with. In my orgasm reaching state, I knew that I was denying myself from feeling a great amount of pleasure which is naturally occurring when I am present in my body and with my partner.
The existence of sex addiction is a highly debatable notion, with some individuals claiming addiction to sex is not viable. From my personal perspective and from the research I have read, you can absolutely be addicted to sex-in fact you can be addicted to anything! Addiction is the continuous completion of a certain behaviour which comes from a compulsion rather than a conscious decision.
The Struggles Of Sex Addiction
The reasons behind this can be vast, with avoidance of certain emotions and fear of the unknown being some triggers for addictive behaviors. Leading up to my 21-day clitoral-orgasm free period, I had been having experiences with self-pleasuring where having clitoral orgasms was done in an addictive manner.
I was using them as a way of escaping certain emotions, with a mindlessness and lack of consciousness followed by guilt and shame some of my personal indicators that the way I was self-pleasuring was becoming unhealthy. It was becoming an escape rather than a beautiful self-loving experience hence why I decided to go a time without them.
The First Few Days Were Hard
My experience was very interesting, with some pretty low points in the first few days. I felt a fogginess and lack of clarity up until about day 5, with low libido and irritability some of the accompanying side effects to my lack of orgasms. Going without clitoral orgasms meant that I was not having any orgasms as I had become extremely dependent on clitoral stimulation to achieve climax.
I Began To Get Easily Frustrated
This brought about feelings of frustration and annoyance. I would get bored quite early on during sex with my partner when I remembered that sex was off the cards, with a 20-minute session the most I could handle the first few days. I couldn’t even bring myself to masturbate for the first week as I didn’t trust myself enough to not go to my clitoris to reach orgasm.
After Some Time I Found More Joy In Sex
The doom and gloom did not stay for long, and as the days went on, I started to notice a growing sensitivity when having sex with my partner. I was feeling more pleasure in my vagina from penetration alone, with the lack of clitoral stimulation meaning I could focus more on those sensations rather than being distracted by the more intense feelings from the clitoris.
I Was Able To Orgasm From Penetration Alone
This meant I was able to experience vaginal orgasms for the first time in a long time which were extremely pleasurable and definitely worth the wait! Taking away clitoral orgasms also meant that without a goal to get somewhere, I could fully relax into the experience with my man without being distracted by the “end result” of what we were doing. We could connect on a deeper level from a place of just enjoying being close with each other for the hell of it. No expectations, no goal, no having to get somewhere-just pure pleasure, love and fun.
Sex Should Be Fun And Not Rushed
Don’t get me wrong, there was certainly times when I was frustrated that I could not have a peak orgasm. This 21 days however reminded me that sex and self-pleasuring is not some task to complete, it is not something to check off our to do list. Sex and self-pleasuring is a beautiful opportunity to drop in and enjoy feeling close to ourselves or another person.
I don’t know if I will go to the full extent of taking away clitoral orgasms for 21-days again but I do know that I am committed to maintaining an awareness of how I am self-pleasuring and having sex so that I can keep expanding into depths of greater pleasure, connection and joy with myself and my partner. To make things even more interesting, did you know that there are 6 different types of female orgasms?
Le clitoris – Animated Documentary (2016) by Lori Malépart-Traversy:
Author: Stephanie Curtis- BA Nursing
Are You A CRYMaxer?
CRYMaxer: I once was having sex against a wall, this was not love making this was hard and rough sex. I wasn’t even facing the person. Afterwards, I pulled up my underwear and next thing I felt a wave of sadness flood my body and I became hysterical. He asked me if I had been hurt during sex, I couldn’t even pull myself together to answer him. I simply shook my head and sobbed.
This was had never happened to me before, I have never cried during or after sex. There was that one time I sustained a really bad sex injury and cried. However, this was different, I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t sad before we started having sex, why was I crying? I assure you, it was nothing he had done, and he actually made me cum really hard. This morning on Facebook I read an opinion piece on after sex criers and I was compelled to start researching this further.
Before starting this blog, I asked some of my co-workers if they had ever cried after sex and I was shocked to find out that many of them said yes. Some were frequent criers after sex.
Some sex sessions are so good they make people cry due to the rush of oxytocin that floods the brain causing happy tears. There is a lot going on in your brain during an orgasm, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact reason you may start crying after sex. It could be that your tense muscles are now relaxing, your heart rate has dramatically decreased, your breathing has slowed, and you’re being flooded with chemicals.
However, researchers have discovered the phenomenon “post-coital dysphoria.” It can involve bursting into tears or just feeling depressed or anxious after sex. Approximately 45% of young women have experienced PCD, which is a lot of women crying after sex. The research team also surveyed more than 1,200 men with an online questionnaire and found that almost as many men (41%) have experienced PCD at some point.
What causes PCD and how to prevent crymaxing!
Sex is an emotional act, even if you don’t have an emotional connection to the person you’re fucking. Sex makes you vulnerable, you’re stripped back, raw, exposed, you’re not in control for that period of time. This is bound to unbalance your emotions, even for a short period of time. Emotions are often exacerbated by stress if you’re trying to avoid crying after sex try lowering your stress levels in your life.
Unsettling feelings towards the person you’re having sex with may also cause tears. This, unfortunately, is truer in women than it is in men as women release high levels of oxytocin, the cuddle chemical. This chemical facilitates feelings of attachment and bonding which can be highly problematic for those seeking casual hook-ups.
If you’re experiencing PCD while in a long-term relationship it may be highlighting your unhappiness towards your significant other or the sadness in the relationship. Either way, your tears are suggestive that you’re not feeling secure in your situation. If you have a partner or FWB you should definitely be talking with them about your feelings as they may be able to provide you with the comfort that you’re looking for.
Alternatively, sometimes you may be feeling so in love, so close to someone that you’re unable to process these feelings. You’ve maybe fallen in love and never said the words before and yet felt so close to saying it mid-sex. Crying may also be indicative that you’ve moved on too quickly and you’re missing or longing for someone who isn’t the person you’re having sex with.
Simple exhaustion may also aggravate your emotional state, make sure you’re getting enough rest prior sex if you’re trying to avoid the after sex blues. PCD has a much darker side and may also relate back to past trauma. Survivors of sexual assault, for instance, might feel very emotional if the sexual experience reminded them of being assaulted. In the study, PCD among men was linked to childhood sexual abuse and psychological distress. People who base their self-worth on how their partner feels about them are more likely to feel weepy or depressed after sex if their partner doesn’t treat them with the closeness they were hoping for.
Let me make this very clear, there is only so much that you can do to control your PCD. For the most part, there is not a lot wrong with crying after sex and you shouldn’t be ashamed. However, if you think that it’s impacting your life negatively, perhaps a trip to the GP for a referral to a counsellor to work through some of your underlying issues. You may be crying for an underlying reason you’re not even aware of.
Remember, if someone cries after sex, don’t become angry. Be understanding and be a shoulder to lean on, they were fighting a battle you’re not aware of. Be kind to each other and happy sexing.
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