Sex Can Be Painful in More Ways Than One: The Struggle to Let Someone In
Sex can be painful, not just physically but emotionally too. Opening up is not as easy as some make it seem, and sometimes, a loving touch brings nothing but traumatic pain. One insignificant moment can make you freeze, making you realize you cannot let go. The worst part? You thought you were fine. You believed you were ready to let someone in again, only to find that your body and mind are not on the same page.
The truth is, you are not okay. You feel abandoned, yet the idea of physical closeness feels unbearable. Intimacy, for you, is keeping people at arm’s length. A simple gesture, something most would not even notice, becomes a trigger, reinforcing the walls you have built. It is not dramatic, it is survival. Your body remembers what your mind tries to forget.
But this time, something is different. This time, you listen to your gut. Instead of forcing yourself into discomfort, you pause. You recognize the signals, the tension in your body, the instinct to pull away. Maybe healing is not about pushing through the pain. Maybe it is about understanding it, respecting it, and learning to feel safe again.
A Mind’s natural instinct that protects a person from experiencing future trauma.
The mind has a powerful way of shielding you from pain. When you have experienced trauma, it does not just become a memory. It reshapes how you see the world, how you trust others, and how you approach intimacy. Your brain, wired for survival, learns from past wounds and works to protect you from future harm. But sometimes, this protection comes at a cost.
Sex can be painful, not only in a physical sense but also in how it forces you to confront vulnerability. If you have suffered trauma, your mind may interpret even safe, loving interactions as threats. It assumes that pain is inevitable, that people are dangerous, and that opening up will only lead to more hurt. This hyper-awareness can cause you to retreat, avoiding emotional closeness as a means of self-preservation.
What feels like an instinct for survival can actually become a barrier to healing. Your mind tells you that staying distant is the safest option, but in reality, it keeps you locked in isolation. Recognizing this pattern is the first step. The challenge is learning to distinguish between true danger and the echoes of past trauma, allowing yourself to rebuild trust without fear controlling every interaction.
Mental Pain From a Loving Touch
Confronting intimacy issues with your partner
Talking about intimacy struggles with a partner is never easy. Sex can be painful, not just in a physical sense, but in how it forces you to face deep emotional wounds. When physical touch triggers discomfort, explaining it to someone else can feel overwhelming. You may fear they will not take you seriously or that they will assume it is something they can fix.
Many people avoid the conversation altogether. Instead, they create distance, make excuses, and hope their partner does not notice. Maybe you step away when they reach for your hand. Maybe you keep hugs short or tense up when they try to hold you close. At first, they might dismiss it, assuming you just need time. But avoidance only leads to confusion, frustration, or even hurt feelings.
Eventually, honesty is necessary. A relationship built on trust requires openness, even when the topic is difficult. You do not have to share every painful detail, but acknowledging that intimacy is complicated for you is important. Saying, “Hey, this is a big deal for me,” is not just about informing them, it is about respecting yourself. It is about recognizing that your feelings around physical contact are valid and that you deserve patience and understanding.
Redefining Normal: Intimacy Looks Different for Everyone
Sex can be painful, but so can the expectations surrounding intimacy. Society often paints a narrow picture of what love should look like. Public displays of affection, hand-holding, and constant touching are seen as proof of deep connection. If you do not crave those things, people may assume something is wrong. But the truth is, intimacy is not one-size-fits-all.
Not being big on physical affection does not make you weird or broken. It does not mean you love your partner any less. Some people express closeness through words, acts of service, or quality time rather than touch. The idea that love must always be physical is a harmful misconception. Just because you do not show affection in a conventional way does not mean your love is any less real.
That said, it can be difficult for a partner who expresses love through physical touch. They may struggle to understand why something so natural to them feels uncomfortable for you. This is where communication matters. Love is not just about touch; it is about understanding. A relationship can thrive when both partners learn to respect each other’s needs, even when those needs look different from societal norms.
Understanding Boundaries When Touch Feels Uncomfortable
Sex can be painful, but so can the uncertainty of physical touch. For those in relationships with someone who dislikes being touched, daily interactions can feel like a constant guessing game. A hug, a brush of the hand, even a casual touch on the arm may seem harmless to most but can feel overwhelming to someone who struggles with physical contact.
I tried for so long to be okay with people touching me. I forced myself to accept hugs, cheek kisses, and light touches because society treats them as normal. But it was exhausting. Pushing myself into discomfort did not help me heal. It only made me feel more disconnected from my own body. The pressure to conform and force myself into physical affection was not just frustrating. It was self-destructive.
There are many reasons why someone may dislike being touched. Trauma, sensory sensitivities, or simply personal preference can all play a role. But the reason itself does not matter as much as respect does. Avoiding physical touch does not mean a person lacks love or desire for intimacy. As humans, we have an incredible yet often underused ability to communicate. Instead of assuming what someone needs, we should ask, listen, and respect their boundaries without judgment.
Some helpful tips these are some ways I can guide you through dating/ being affectionate with someone who does not like to be touched.
Acknowledgment
Sex can be painful, but feeling unheard or dismissed can be just as damaging. Acknowledgment is crucial when someone opens up about their struggles with intimacy. If they trust you enough to be vulnerable, the least you can do is listen. You do not have to fully understand their experience to respect it. Dismissing their discomfort or assuming they will “get over it” only reinforces their isolation.
Respect is at the heart of every healthy relationship. Some people struggle with touch, not because they do not love or trust their partner, but because their mind and body react differently. Pushing past their boundaries does not create closeness. It creates emotional distance. True intimacy is not about physical contact alone. It is about feeling safe with one another.
No means no, and that does not just apply to sexual consent. If someone says they are uncomfortable with certain types of physical affection, that boundary should be honored without hesitation. Love is not about forcing someone into situations that cause distress. It is about supporting them in a way that makes them feel secure. The simple act of acknowledgment can be one of the most powerful ways to build trust and connection.
Communication
Sex can be painful, but so can the frustration of feeling disconnected from a partner. In this digital age, communication has never been easier, yet many people struggle to express their needs when it comes to intimacy. The truth is, there are no complicated steps to understanding your partner’s comfort level with affection. All you have to do is ask.
If you are craving affection or need reassurance from your partner, voicing it is the first step. The worst response you might get is a no, but that does not mean rejection. It simply means their needs are different in that moment. With time, patience, and open conversations, both partners can learn to understand each other’s emotional and physical boundaries.
As a relationship grows, communication moves beyond words. You start recognizing the small signs, body language, tone, and subtle shifts in mood. Over time, you may not need to ask for permission as often because you will just know. But that trust is built through open dialogue and mutual understanding. A healthy relationship is not about guessing what your partner needs. It is about creating a space where both of you feel safe expressing those needs without fear of judgment.
Respect
Sex can be painful, but the lack of respect for personal boundaries can cause even deeper wounds. Every person has limits, and the simplest yet most powerful thing you can do is respect them. Boundaries are not obstacles to overcome. They are personal guidelines that help people feel safe and understood.
When someone expresses discomfort with touch or intimacy, taking them seriously is essential. Ignoring or downplaying their feelings does not make them more comfortable. It only reinforces the idea that their needs do not matter. Respect is not about waiting for someone to change. It is about showing them that they do not have to.
The more respect you give, the safer they will feel. Over time, those protective walls around personal space may begin to soften, not because they are forced to, but because trust has been built. True intimacy does not come from pushing someone beyond their comfort zone. It comes from creating an environment where they feel valued, secure, and free to be themselves.
Build trust
Most people in my situation grow with trust, as our partners respect us and understand our boundaries the more we let them in. The time periods vary. But the more trust and confidence I have with my partner the more normal our intimate relationship is, and the more soft touch I am able to stand.
After some time when I trust someone wholly my anxiety begins to subside and every touch be it a soft touch or intimate touch doesn’t emotionally drain me anymore. It more than often becomes something I enjoy and welcome to its fullest capacity but still within those respective boundaries.
Patience is Key!
Normally when I date my rules and boundaries about touching eventually stops applying to my significant other in most situations.
But at the end of the day I am still me. I am someone who values and is sensitive to personal space. I know it can be frustrating for others. But I have learnt that even though it is not normal for most I need to admit I have trust and space issues and at the end of the day my needs come first.
This is a part of being human. We all have our little quirks, public displays of affection can be emotionally exhausting doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I just have to realise and be mindful of my limits. At the end of the day if not holding my hand in public means my partner can cuddle up to me on the lounge at home I know which I would sacrifice.
Pick and Choose your Battles
Sex can be painful, but so can the struggle of constantly defending your boundaries. The world may not always understand why certain things make you uncomfortable, but that does not mean you should feel ashamed. Never let anyone make you question your right to personal space.
Everyone has boundaries, but if you are anything like me, yours might be a little bigger than most. That is okay. The key is knowing which battles to fight and which to let go. Some people will respect your limits without question. Others may push back, whether out of ignorance or misunderstanding. You do not have to justify yourself to those unwilling to listen.
What matters most is that you never give up on yourself. Your comfort and well-being are not up for debate. The right people will not just tolerate your boundaries. They will honor them. You do not have to change who you are to make others comfortable. Instead, surround yourself with those who respect you as you are. That is where true connection begins.
Sex Can Be Painful
Whilst it’s not something we tend to regularly discuss, experiencing pain during sex is something everyone has felt at some point.
According to my research, studies show that 3/4 of women have previously experienced ‘painful’ or ‘stinging sensations’ during sex. But continue to push through it without seeking medical advice. It’s not healthy or wise to continue to have sex when experiencing severe or even slight pain, whether just once or on the regular basis.
Think of the pain as a natural alarm bell telling you that something is happening in your body that needs to be taken care of.
Pain during sex can be caused from a number of things
Sex can be painful for a variety of reasons, ranging from minor infections to more serious medical conditions. Some causes are temporary and can be treated with simple home remedies, while others require medical attention. Ignoring persistent pain can lead to complications, so understanding the difference is crucial.
Minor infections, such as yeast infections or urinary tract infections, can cause discomfort during sex. These issues are often treatable with over-the-counter medications or natural remedies. However, if the pain continues, worsens, or is accompanied by unusual symptoms, it may be a sign of something more serious. Conditions like endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, or vaginal atrophy can cause ongoing pain and may require specialized treatment.
Regular sexual health examinations are essential for identifying and addressing potential issues early. Many people avoid seeing a doctor due to embarrassment or fear, but sexual pain is not something to ignore. A healthcare professional can help determine the cause and recommend appropriate treatment. Your comfort and well-being matter, and seeking medical advice when necessary can prevent long-term complications and improve your overall quality of life.
What can cause pain during sex and how can I fix it?
Most common of all is having insufficient lubrication
Even though your vagina is a natural self-lubricator, there are instances in which the body is unable to self lubricate, resulting in pain during intercourse. It could be as simple as not being aroused and you’ve jumped the gun or you’ve boozed too much at the bar. Your “minds telling you yes, but your body, your body is telling you noooo” (yes I’m fully aware I switched the words, hahaha).
Lack of Estrogen
Or, a slightly less known cause, can be a change in your level of hormones, or more precisely a lack of Estrogen. I recently found out that some contraceptive pills and other birth controls such as the implanon, can cause a lack of Estrogen in the body resulting in Vaginal Dryness.
If you must stay on the contraceptive you are on, you can boost your Estrogen levels by eating things high in Estrogen like dried fruits, chickpeas, beans, peas, bran cereals and even swapping your regular milk for soy milk, just to name a few.
By adding a few of these foods into your diet, you can boost up Estrogen levels to get back to where you need to be. I also found out, as an Asthma and regular hayfever sufferer, that medications to help these things have drying affects to your whole body (including your vagina) to help stop the symptoms.
So as someone with the Implanon, Asthma and Hay fever, what do I do?! Reach for the lubricant. Don’t be afraid to get all slippery with a good tub of lubricant, like AstroGylde, who offer a lubricant specifically for Vaginal Dryness which can help to alleviate the symptoms.
You’re allergic to something!
While we’re on the topic, you can’t just go to the supermarket and buy the cheapest thing on the shelf. Lubricants are made with different chemicals, which can throw off your vagina’s natural pH balance – those deliciously sweet flavoured lubricants you love could be the reason you keep getting thrush…
So stick to a brand who are SPECIFIC with what ingredients are in their products, like Wicked’s range of flavoured lubricants which have little to no glycerin in all of their products.
The same goes for things like latex condoms. If you feel any sort of irritation after use, try to stick to “natural” based products and see how that fares with your body.
You’re doing unrealistic positions
Blame the Karma Sutra for introducing you to positions which look like a whole lot of fun but realistically turn into how-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-get-out-of-this-position-without-breaking-my-entire-body.
Not fun. It’s always good to experiment and deviate from your normal routine, but the Butter Churner (google it) might not be for you.
You may have an STD/STI/pelvic disease
Yeast Infections suck. UTI’s suck. Pelvic inflammatory disease sucks. Herpes sucks. Nobody wants any of those, so you should do what you can to try and prevent them.
Simple things like washing/urinating after sex can help prevent UTI’s, while things as easy as adding Natural Yogurt into your diet can help prevent yeast infections..
But, know who you’re sleeping with and get tested regularly if you’re not in a monogamous relationship. And WEAR A CONDOM. So if you’re experiencing symptoms such as burning or itching, whether external or internal, go to your doctor and get it checked out! It’s most likely a small infection, but get it checked to be safe!
Your state of mind
Emotions such as fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment, or awkwardness about having sex may make it hard to relax. When you cannot relax, arousal is difficult, and pain may result. Stress and fatigue can affect your desire to have sex.
So simple things like taking a shower or bath with candles after a long day at work, or giving each other massages are a great way to De -Stress. When you’re in a more relaxed state of mind and not carrying the weight of the days stress on your shoulders you will be able to focus on having fun with your partner and become more interested in having sex than before.
Pain during sex can be caused from a number of different things
And is common among all women. It is SO important to your health that if you’re experiencing any re occurring burning, itching, stinging, or painful sensations in general during sex that you consult with your doctor.
And hey, even if it is just thrush, at least they’ll point you in the right direction at the chemist and get you on the way to that life you took for granted when you had a non itchy vagina!
Meet Morgan, a young designer advocating equality and speaking out against violence. Her journey in the adult industry has been transformative.
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