Sex Can Be Painful in More Ways Than One: The Struggle to Let Someone In
Sex can be painful, not just physically but emotionally too. Opening up is not as easy as some make it seem, and sometimes, a loving touch brings nothing but traumatic pain. One insignificant moment can make you freeze, making you realize you cannot let go. The worst part? You thought you were fine. You believed you were ready to let someone in again, only to find that your body and mind are not on the same page.
The truth is, you are not okay. You feel abandoned, yet the idea of physical closeness feels unbearable. Intimacy, for you, is keeping people at arm’s length. A simple gesture, something most would not even notice, becomes a trigger, reinforcing the walls you have built. It is not dramatic, it is survival. Your body remembers what your mind tries to forget.
But this time, something is different. This time, you listen to your gut. Instead of forcing yourself into discomfort, you pause. You recognize the signals, the tension in your body, the instinct to pull away. Maybe healing is not about pushing through the pain. Maybe it is about understanding it, respecting it, and learning to feel safe again.
A Mind’s natural instinct that protects a person from experiencing future trauma.
The mind has a powerful way of shielding you from pain. When you have experienced trauma, it does not just become a memory. It reshapes how you see the world, how you trust others, and how you approach intimacy. Your brain, wired for survival, learns from past wounds and works to protect you from future harm. But sometimes, this protection comes at a cost.
Sex can be painful, not only in a physical sense but also in how it forces you to confront vulnerability. If you have suffered trauma, your mind may interpret even safe, loving interactions as threats. It assumes that pain is inevitable, that people are dangerous, and that opening up will only lead to more hurt. This hyper-awareness can cause you to retreat, avoiding emotional closeness as a means of self-preservation.
What feels like an instinct for survival can actually become a barrier to healing. Your mind tells you that staying distant is the safest option, but in reality, it keeps you locked in isolation. Recognizing this pattern is the first step. The challenge is learning to distinguish between true danger and the echoes of past trauma, allowing yourself to rebuild trust without fear controlling every interaction.
Mental Pain From a Loving Touch
Confronting intimacy issues with your partner
Talking about intimacy struggles with a partner is never easy. Sex can be painful, not just in a physical sense, but in how it forces you to face deep emotional wounds. When physical touch triggers discomfort, explaining it to someone else can feel overwhelming. You may fear they will not take you seriously or that they will assume it is something they can fix.
Many people avoid the conversation altogether. Instead, they create distance, make excuses, and hope their partner does not notice. Maybe you step away when they reach for your hand. Maybe you keep hugs short or tense up when they try to hold you close. At first, they might dismiss it, assuming you just need time. But avoidance only leads to confusion, frustration, or even hurt feelings.
Eventually, honesty is necessary. A relationship built on trust requires openness, even when the topic is difficult. You do not have to share every painful detail, but acknowledging that intimacy is complicated for you is important. Saying, “Hey, this is a big deal for me,” is not just about informing them, it is about respecting yourself. It is about recognizing that your feelings around physical contact are valid and that you deserve patience and understanding.
Redefining Normal: Intimacy Looks Different for Everyone
Sex can be painful, but so can the expectations surrounding intimacy. Society often paints a narrow picture of what love should look like. Public displays of affection, hand-holding, and constant touching are seen as proof of deep connection. If you do not crave those things, people may assume something is wrong. But the truth is, intimacy is not one-size-fits-all.
Not being big on physical affection does not make you weird or broken. It does not mean you love your partner any less. Some people express closeness through words, acts of service, or quality time rather than touch. The idea that love must always be physical is a harmful misconception. Just because you do not show affection in a conventional way does not mean your love is any less real.
That said, it can be difficult for a partner who expresses love through physical touch. They may struggle to understand why something so natural to them feels uncomfortable for you. This is where communication matters. Love is not just about touch; it is about understanding. A relationship can thrive when both partners learn to respect each other’s needs, even when those needs look different from societal norms.
Understanding Boundaries When Touch Feels Uncomfortable
Sex can be painful, but so can the uncertainty of physical touch. For those in relationships with someone who dislikes being touched, daily interactions can feel like a constant guessing game. A hug, a brush of the hand, even a casual touch on the arm may seem harmless to most but can feel overwhelming to someone who struggles with physical contact.
I tried for so long to be okay with people touching me. I forced myself to accept hugs, cheek kisses, and light touches because society treats them as normal. But it was exhausting. Pushing myself into discomfort did not help me heal. It only made me feel more disconnected from my own body. The pressure to conform and force myself into physical affection was not just frustrating. It was self-destructive.
There are many reasons why someone may dislike being touched. Trauma, sensory sensitivities, or simply personal preference can all play a role. But the reason itself does not matter as much as respect does. Avoiding physical touch does not mean a person lacks love or desire for intimacy. As humans, we have an incredible yet often underused ability to communicate. Instead of assuming what someone needs, we should ask, listen, and respect their boundaries without judgment.
Some helpful tips these are some ways I can guide you through dating/ being affectionate with someone who does not like to be touched.
Acknowledgment
Sex can be painful, but feeling unheard or dismissed can be just as damaging. Acknowledgment is crucial when someone opens up about their struggles with intimacy. If they trust you enough to be vulnerable, the least you can do is listen. You do not have to fully understand their experience to respect it. Dismissing their discomfort or assuming they will “get over it” only reinforces their isolation.
Respect is at the heart of every healthy relationship. Some people struggle with touch, not because they do not love or trust their partner, but because their mind and body react differently. Pushing past their boundaries does not create closeness. It creates emotional distance. True intimacy is not about physical contact alone. It is about feeling safe with one another.
No means no, and that does not just apply to sexual consent. If someone says they are uncomfortable with certain types of physical affection, that boundary should be honored without hesitation. Love is not about forcing someone into situations that cause distress. It is about supporting them in a way that makes them feel secure. The simple act of acknowledgment can be one of the most powerful ways to build trust and connection.
Communication
Sex can be painful, but so can the frustration of feeling disconnected from a partner. In this digital age, communication has never been easier, yet many people struggle to express their needs when it comes to intimacy. The truth is, there are no complicated steps to understanding your partner’s comfort level with affection. All you have to do is ask.
If you are craving affection or need reassurance from your partner, voicing it is the first step. The worst response you might get is a no, but that does not mean rejection. It simply means their needs are different in that moment. With time, patience, and open conversations, both partners can learn to understand each other’s emotional and physical boundaries.
As a relationship grows, communication moves beyond words. You start recognizing the small signs, body language, tone, and subtle shifts in mood. Over time, you may not need to ask for permission as often because you will just know. But that trust is built through open dialogue and mutual understanding. A healthy relationship is not about guessing what your partner needs. It is about creating a space where both of you feel safe expressing those needs without fear of judgment.
Respect
Sex can be painful, but the lack of respect for personal boundaries can cause even deeper wounds. Every person has limits, and the simplest yet most powerful thing you can do is respect them. Boundaries are not obstacles to overcome. They are personal guidelines that help people feel safe and understood.
When someone expresses discomfort with touch or intimacy, taking them seriously is essential. Ignoring or downplaying their feelings does not make them more comfortable. It only reinforces the idea that their needs do not matter. Respect is not about waiting for someone to change. It is about showing them that they do not have to.
The more respect you give, the safer they will feel. Over time, those protective walls around personal space may begin to soften, not because they are forced to, but because trust has been built. True intimacy does not come from pushing someone beyond their comfort zone. It comes from creating an environment where they feel valued, secure, and free to be themselves.
Build trust
Most people in my situation grow with trust, as our partners respect us and understand our boundaries the more we let them in. The time periods vary. But the more trust and confidence I have with my partner the more normal our intimate relationship is, and the more soft touch I am able to stand.
After some time when I trust someone wholly my anxiety begins to subside and every touch be it a soft touch or intimate touch doesn’t emotionally drain me anymore. It more than often becomes something I enjoy and welcome to its fullest capacity but still within those respective boundaries.
Patience is Key!
Normally when I date my rules and boundaries about touching eventually stops applying to my significant other in most situations.
But at the end of the day I am still me. I am someone who values and is sensitive to personal space. I know it can be frustrating for others. But I have learnt that even though it is not normal for most I need to admit I have trust and space issues and at the end of the day my needs come first.
This is a part of being human. We all have our little quirks, public displays of affection can be emotionally exhausting doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I just have to realise and be mindful of my limits. At the end of the day if not holding my hand in public means my partner can cuddle up to me on the lounge at home I know which I would sacrifice.
Pick and Choose your Battles
Sex can be painful, but so can the struggle of constantly defending your boundaries. The world may not always understand why certain things make you uncomfortable, but that does not mean you should feel ashamed. Never let anyone make you question your right to personal space.
Everyone has boundaries, but if you are anything like me, yours might be a little bigger than most. That is okay. The key is knowing which battles to fight and which to let go. Some people will respect your limits without question. Others may push back, whether out of ignorance or misunderstanding. You do not have to justify yourself to those unwilling to listen.
What matters most is that you never give up on yourself. Your comfort and well-being are not up for debate. The right people will not just tolerate your boundaries. They will honor them. You do not have to change who you are to make others comfortable. Instead, surround yourself with those who respect you as you are. That is where true connection begins.
Sex Can Be Painful
Whilst it’s not something we tend to regularly discuss, experiencing pain during sex is something everyone has felt at some point.
According to my research, studies show that 3/4 of women have previously experienced ‘painful’ or ‘stinging sensations’ during sex. But continue to push through it without seeking medical advice. It’s not healthy or wise to continue to have sex when experiencing severe or even slight pain, whether just once or on the regular basis.
Think of the pain as a natural alarm bell telling you that something is happening in your body that needs to be taken care of.
Pain during sex can be caused from a number of things
Sex can be painful for a variety of reasons, ranging from minor infections to more serious medical conditions. Some causes are temporary and can be treated with simple home remedies, while others require medical attention. Ignoring persistent pain can lead to complications, so understanding the difference is crucial.
Minor infections, such as yeast infections or urinary tract infections, can cause discomfort during sex. These issues are often treatable with over-the-counter medications or natural remedies. However, if the pain continues, worsens, or is accompanied by unusual symptoms, it may be a sign of something more serious. Conditions like endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, or vaginal atrophy can cause ongoing pain and may require specialized treatment.
Regular sexual health examinations are essential for identifying and addressing potential issues early. Many people avoid seeing a doctor due to embarrassment or fear, but sexual pain is not something to ignore. A healthcare professional can help determine the cause and recommend appropriate treatment. Your comfort and well-being matter, and seeking medical advice when necessary can prevent long-term complications and improve your overall quality of life.
What can cause pain during sex and how can I fix it?
Most common of all is having insufficient lubrication
Even though your vagina is a natural self-lubricator, there are instances in which the body is unable to self lubricate, resulting in pain during intercourse. It could be as simple as not being aroused and you’ve jumped the gun or you’ve boozed too much at the bar. Your “minds telling you yes, but your body, your body is telling you noooo” (yes I’m fully aware I switched the words, hahaha).
Lack of Estrogen
Or, a slightly less known cause, can be a change in your level of hormones, or more precisely a lack of Estrogen. I recently found out that some contraceptive pills and other birth controls such as the implanon, can cause a lack of Estrogen in the body resulting in Vaginal Dryness.
If you must stay on the contraceptive you are on, you can boost your Estrogen levels by eating things high in Estrogen like dried fruits, chickpeas, beans, peas, bran cereals and even swapping your regular milk for soy milk, just to name a few.
By adding a few of these foods into your diet, you can boost up Estrogen levels to get back to where you need to be. I also found out, as an Asthma and regular hayfever sufferer, that medications to help these things have drying affects to your whole body (including your vagina) to help stop the symptoms.
So as someone with the Implanon, Asthma and Hay fever, what do I do?! Reach for the lubricant. Don’t be afraid to get all slippery with a good tub of lubricant, like AstroGylde, who offer a lubricant specifically for Vaginal Dryness which can help to alleviate the symptoms.
You’re allergic to something!
While we’re on the topic, you can’t just go to the supermarket and buy the cheapest thing on the shelf. Lubricants are made with different chemicals, which can throw off your vagina’s natural pH balance – those deliciously sweet flavoured lubricants you love could be the reason you keep getting thrush…
So stick to a brand who are SPECIFIC with what ingredients are in their products, like Wicked’s range of flavoured lubricants which have little to no glycerin in all of their products.
The same goes for things like latex condoms. If you feel any sort of irritation after use, try to stick to “natural” based products and see how that fares with your body.
You’re doing unrealistic positions
Blame the Karma Sutra for introducing you to positions which look like a whole lot of fun but realistically turn into how-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-get-out-of-this-position-without-breaking-my-entire-body.
Not fun. It’s always good to experiment and deviate from your normal routine, but the Butter Churner (google it) might not be for you.
You may have an STD/STI/pelvic disease
Yeast Infections suck. UTI’s suck. Pelvic inflammatory disease sucks. Herpes sucks. Nobody wants any of those, so you should do what you can to try and prevent them.
Simple things like washing/urinating after sex can help prevent UTI’s, while things as easy as adding Natural Yogurt into your diet can help prevent yeast infections..
But, know who you’re sleeping with and get tested regularly if you’re not in a monogamous relationship. And WEAR A CONDOM. So if you’re experiencing symptoms such as burning or itching, whether external or internal, go to your doctor and get it checked out! It’s most likely a small infection, but get it checked to be safe!
Your state of mind
Emotions such as fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment, or awkwardness about having sex may make it hard to relax. When you cannot relax, arousal is difficult, and pain may result. Stress and fatigue can affect your desire to have sex.
So simple things like taking a shower or bath with candles after a long day at work, or giving each other massages are a great way to De -Stress. When you’re in a more relaxed state of mind and not carrying the weight of the days stress on your shoulders you will be able to focus on having fun with your partner and become more interested in having sex than before.
Pain during sex can be caused from a number of different things
And is common among all women. It is SO important to your health that if you’re experiencing any re occurring burning, itching, stinging, or painful sensations in general during sex that you consult with your doctor.
And hey, even if it is just thrush, at least they’ll point you in the right direction at the chemist and get you on the way to that life you took for granted when you had a non itchy vagina!
Do You Need Help For Heart Break?
Breaking up is painful, but help for heart break exists, and this is not the end of the world. When a relationship suddenly ends, it can feel devastating. The emotional weight can make you believe you will never love again, never trust again, or even that you are somehow unworthy of love. These thoughts, though intense, are not the truth.
Heartbreak can make us relive every moment, searching for ways we could have saved the relationship. We torment ourselves with “what ifs” and “if onlys,” convinced that one different action could have changed everything. This cycle of regret and self-blame keeps us stuck in pain. Sometimes, we go even further, trying to prove our worth to the person who left. We may beg for another chance, hoping they will see our value. But in doing so, we lose sight of our own self-respect and dignity.
But why? Everyone has different motivations, but it boils down to feeling like we are not a whole person without them. That we have pinned all of our hopes, dreams and happiness on the future that we have imagined with this person. Do we do this because that’s what we see on TV or in the movies? Women pining for the person that has walked out. With elaborate plans to win them back and getting their fairy-tale ending. Here’s the reality check. Life doesn’t work like it does in the movies. Your original expectations of becoming an independent person may be different from the results that are achieved.
Learn to live without – Help For Heart Break
This is your chance to embrace life as a “me” instead of a “we.” Help for heartbreak starts with rediscovering who you are outside of a relationship. Some people jump from one romance to the next, desperate to fill the void. I’ve seen friends go through an endless cycle of rebound relationships, mistaking attachment for love. They shape themselves into the “perfect” partner, never stopping to ask who they are when they’re alone. This pattern only leads to more heartbreak because a relationship built on fear of being alone rarely lasts.
You are worth more than someone else’s opinion of you. Being single is not a punishment—it’s an opportunity. Learn to enjoy the small moments of independence. Choose what to watch on Netflix without compromise. Cook dinner for one and savor the freedom of eating exactly what you want. Go out whenever and wherever you please. Sing as loud as you want in the shower. More importantly, reconnect with your body and desires without needing validation from someone else. This time is about you, learning, growing, and becoming whole on your own.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
There’s never been a truer statement. Resilience is a skill that too many people struggle to develop. Our generation, and those after us, haven’t been given enough opportunities to build emotional strength. As a result, many of us enter adulthood unequipped to handle life’s inevitable hardships. The world can be cruel, and heartbreak often feels like proof of that. But instead of letting pain break you, use it to build resilience.
Heartbreak is an opportunity to grow stronger. It forces you to confront pain, process emotions, and rebuild your sense of self. Every setback teaches you something valuable about yourself, your needs, and your capacity to endure. The more you overcome, the more confident you become in your ability to handle life’s challenges. You’re not just surviving heartbreak, you’re learning how to thrive despite it.
Empathy is another gift that comes from hardship. The lessons you learn from heartbreak can help others who find themselves in similar pain. When you understand suffering, you become better equipped to support, uplift, and guide those who need it. Your pain can have purpose if you allow it to shape you into someone stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.
I’m walking on sunshine – Help For Heart Break
This probably isn’t something you’ll feel right away, but in time, you’ll start to appreciate the lighter moments again. Those unexpected, belly-laughing, tear-streaming moments when a terrible joke becomes hilarious or when you step outside into the warmth of the morning sun after days of rain. These simple joys remind you that happiness still exists, even in the midst of heartbreak.
It’s these moments of light that will help pull you through the darkest nights. The nights when you’re lying in bed at 2 a.m., mind racing in endless circles, replaying every conversation and every choice. Wondering if you could have changed, done something differently, or been someone else to fit the ideal your ex had in their head. These thoughts feel overwhelming, but they are not reality.
Instead of getting lost in what-ifs, hold onto the moments that make you smile. They may feel small at first, but they are proof that happiness isn’t gone forever. Healing happens in these glimpses of joy. One day, without even realizing it, you’ll wake up and realize the darkness has faded, and the light is finally shining through again.
Perfect
Hey, guess what? Those little things that used to seem so important don’t really matter anymore, do they? Heartbreak has a way of shifting your perspective. Suddenly, obsessing over how many likes you got on a post, filling every moment of your social calendar, or wearing makeup just because someone once said you look tired without it all seem trivial. You start to see how much energy went into trying to meet expectations that never truly defined your worth.
Now, you don’t have to spend your time molding yourself into someone else’s version of perfect. No more bending, shrinking, or overcompensating just to feel accepted. That mental space, time, and even money can now be spent on things that actually make you happy. This is your chance to embrace who you are without apology.
Surround yourself with people who celebrate you instead of feeding your insecurities. Invest in friendships that uplift you rather than relationships that drain you. You were never supposed to be perfect for someone else. You were always enough just as you are, and now you finally have the freedom to see it.
Get back up again – Help For Heart Break
Always wanted to buy that Groupon voucher for a boozy night of painting and vino? Planned that trip overseas, but the ex didn’t want to travel and made you feel guilty for wanting to go with friends instead? Found that beautiful little kitten at the shelter, but the ex only likes dogs? Gone out for dinner and wanted dessert, but the ex looked at you sideways and told you that you were looking a little fat, so you didn’t order it?
Guess what? You can do what you want to do now. Paint naked men, while drinking copious amounts of wine with friends at that art and wine class. Book that overseas trip to the place you wanted to go because you now don’t have to spend every last hour of your annual leave visiting his family interstate. Snuggle on the sofa with your fluffy kitty and order all of the diabetes-inducing sweets that you fancy.
Post-breakup is a time for self-care and self-discovery. Especially at the end of a long term relationship where you may not who you are without the other person. But, take a word from someone who has been there and experienced that, you will pull through and if you can learn to be whole without someone else, then when the time comes to venture into another relationship, you will be a stronger person who knows what you’re looking for and what you need to compliment your life and how you live it. If you are finding it extremely complicated, you may just need to break up with love addiction.
FAQs To Enable Self Help For Heart Break
How can I stop blaming myself after a breakup?
Blaming yourself is a natural response to heartbreak, but it keeps you trapped in pain. Recognize that relationships are a two-way street, and no single action could have guaranteed a different outcome. Instead of replaying past mistakes, shift your focus to self-growth. Ask yourself what you’ve learned and how you can use this experience to build a healthier future. Journaling, therapy, or even talking with trusted friends can help break the cycle of self-blame and bring clarity to your emotions.
Why does heartbreak feel physically painful?
Emotional pain activates the same brain regions as physical pain, which is why heartbreak can feel like a real wound. Stress hormones surge, disrupting sleep, appetite, and energy levels. Your body craves the emotional bond it lost, triggering withdrawal-like symptoms. Self-care, movement, and engaging in activities that bring even small moments of joy can help reset your brain’s chemistry over time. Though the pain is intense now, it will lessen as you heal.
Is it okay to still love my ex while trying to move on?
Yes, love doesn’t disappear overnight. Accepting that you still have feelings while choosing not to act on them is part of the healing process. Moving on doesn’t mean forcing yourself to stop loving them instantly—it means prioritizing your own happiness and well-being. With time, that love will shift into something less painful, allowing you to focus on new experiences and personal growth.
How do I rebuild my confidence after a breakup?
A breakup can shake your self-esteem, especially if rejection or betrayal is involved. Start by reconnecting with the things that make you feel strong. Set small, achievable goals to remind yourself of your capabilities. Surround yourself with people who uplift you and distance yourself from those who drain you. Practicing self-compassion and acknowledging your worth independent of any relationship is key to regaining confidence.
Why do I miss my ex even though I know they weren’t right for me?
Missing your ex isn’t always about them—it’s often about the comfort, routine, and familiarity you lost. The brain craves what it knows, even when it wasn’t the best for you. It’s important to remind yourself why the relationship ended and recognize that missing them doesn’t mean you should go back. Over time, as you build new experiences and refocus on yourself, the longing will fade, and you’ll be ready for something better.
Author: Mia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres
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