What is ugly duckling syndrome?
I think this is best described in Shallow Hal the film. I’ve pulled this quote from the film, to sum up, what this condition entails.
“Ugly Duckling Syndrome, she probably didn’t get pretty until high school, thus the personality had to develop out of necessity… sometimes they’re ugly so long, when they finally turn pretty, they don’t even realize it! The ugly self-image is so well engraved, that’s a real find!” – Maurico, Shallow Hal, 2001.
For the life of me, I can’t take a compliment. Why?
Because I have ugly duckling syndrome and it affects my ability to find love. My mother has always told me how beautiful I am but of course, I think she is biased. Retrospectively speaking, even now writing this article, I can’t think of one of my male friends who hasn’t complimented me on my physical appearance.
Some have hit on me, and some of them I slept with in my youth clearly seeking the validation of being desirable. I have had strangers approach me at bars and tell me I am attractive, some of them are married men. Sometimes I get random social media adds from men across the seven seas asking for nudes.
Yet, I still struggle to accept compliments about my looks.
I once laid in bed with a woman. Told her that she was beautiful; she cuddled into me and said,
“No, you’re beautiful but you know you’re beautiful.”
This baffled me that this beautiful woman wanted to share her bed with me and thought my beauty outweighed hers. I couldn’t believe it. Left my shirt on during sex, and even after when she cuddled into me, she placed her hands on my stomach, back or thighs, I’d push her away – literally. I was in complete awe of this beautiful creature who thought I was attractive enough to spend the night with.
All I was worried about was her thinking about my body fat, so I ended up making her the little spoon, so her hands wouldn’t be on my body. A study conducted in 2016 found that appearance anxiety (ANN) found that women experience this kind of thought process at a much higher rate than men.
For women, AAN correlated negatively with global self-esteem and positively with shyness, social avoidance and distress, and public self-consciousness. The study found that individuals who had ANN had a long history of making ill remarks regarding their appearance often linking back to feeling like an ugly child. (Dion, K. L., Dion, K. K., & Keelan, J. P. (1990).
Even When Modelling I Deflect Compliments
Recently I did some modelling for my friend who is an aspiring photographer and he often tells me that I am beautiful. Any compliment will be deflected every single time and tell him it’s the Photoshop, lighting or professional hair and make-up. Deflecting the compliment is a defensive mechanism that is so ingrained in me it’s become my default behaviour.
This isn’t just limited to my looks if I did well in my class – I know I could have achieved a higher mark. If I cooked an amazing dish I could have added something else to it to make it a better dish. This hypercritical behaviour is what I do to keep myself down, a negative cycle of low self-esteem. While I can appreciate when I look in the mirror that the reflection looking back at me isn’t ugly, I would never say she is beautiful and that is really sad for me to admit.
Self hatred Stems From Childhood Issues
This self-hatred stems from being the fat child, the ugly child, the weird child. These things manifested into my teens and early adulthood, being the fat, weird and ugly one meant I had to learn to be funny to make friends. I had to learn to be kind to maintain relationships with these people. Learning not to depend on my looks or body meant I had to rely on my wit, humour and human compassion.
As an adult woman, I can say that I am such a good friend, I’d drop anything I was doing for someone who needed my help. I selflessly put others before myself, sometimes to my own detriment. Always the most empathetic person I know, caring and compassionate. Sometimes I wish I had a clone of me so I could be friends with me.
That clone would never let me talk about myself the way I do. It’s funny that I never let my friends talk about themselves negatively but I say the most horrific things about myself.
Ugly Duckling Syndrome
On a positive note, having ugly duckling syndrome has made me an avid reader, which landed me into university where I acquired my bachelor’s degree. Having ugly duckling syndrome has made me a great conversationalist, able to hold witty and funny conversations with just about anyone. A skill I treasure. The ugly duckling syndrome has made compassionate beyond belief, kind almost to a fault. Having ugly duckling syndrome has made me humble, and while it is frustrating for you to give me a compliment and me to dismiss it.
You have to remember I’ve had a lifetime of people say things to hurt me and I am not sure if you’re going to hurt me too. I’ve had people abuse my kindness and try to dampen the light inside. I push you away and reject your compliments because I think the world is a dark place, Even if I think you don’t mean it, I think you’re making fun of me. I reject your compliments because, after more than half a lifetime of being the ugly person, I am just perplexed as to how you think I am beautiful.
The Ugly Duckling Turns Into A Swan
You might see a swan when you look at someone but for that someone with ugly duckling syndrome, they look in that mirror and still see that ugly duckling. They see that fat, ugly weird person and they don’t know why you think they are beautiful.
So, be kind with your ugly ducklings, they are trying to see the swan that you see.
Bronte is a consultant at the Adult Lifestyle Centre.
Meet Bronte, our sexpert at the Adultsmart blog. A pansexual cis woman, she dives into LGBTQ+ topics, fetish exploration, sex work, and sex toy reviews!
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