How to Use An Ex Nickname System: Funny Sex Diary Entries

Have a laugh at this ex nickname system.  We all have them. Those ex’s who are imprinted in our memories for some reason or other.  Nicknames are the best way to remember them!

Whilst browsing the eclectic collection of books I came across a book titled A Tiger in the Bedroom. Lessons form Mother Nature’s Sex Shop by Katherine Gould.  Turning the book over, the first review yelled “Just when you think animal sex can’t get any weirder, turn the page and it does!”

Chuckling as I thumbed through the pages I landed on this particularly charming quip.

Chimp Dick

“Don’t be too obvious.  When a male chimpanzee is feeling randy, he gazes at the object of his desire, then spreads his legs and flicks his erect penis with his finger, or waves his penis back and forth. Do not do this.”

This got me thinking of all the weird and amazing sex stories and encounters I’ve either had myself or shared vicariously through the tales of friends. During the more randy years (my slutting days), I’ve shared with girlfriends what happened through a shorthand way of referring to many of our encounters by way of an ex nickname system.

Now I realise this may cause some offence, but who has time to remember the finer details of real name and suburb of residence when differentiating between past and present lovers?! Now, back to the penis waving chimpanzee.

Iguana

As I read that anecdote the first thing that came to mind was a lover whom my girlfriend and I fondly refer to as Iguana.

Yes, we’re tunnel sisters and we’re not ashamed to admit it. Iguana earned the nickname through the drunken late night deliverance of an explanation as to what an Iguana’s penis was like. Before I’d had the pleasure of experiencing it for myself – “It was just so … damned big.

And he stood there all proud like.

But it was kind of weird. Like really really fat and thick at the bottom like some kind of animal – a slug or something. No it was bigger than that” As she swigged another mouthful from her beer she finally had it.  “It was like an Iguana”.

I can’t say I could personally liken any shape of penis to a reptile aside from the obvious ‘snake’. But she’d made her mind up and the name stuck.

Iguana had a cone shaped penis which was extremely wide at the base. Some months later when Iguana paid a visit to my bedroom. And I was excitedly removing his pants, I was astounded to discover what can only be described as reverse pubes.

Iguana had thoughtfully decided to ‘trim’ his pubic hair.

Except he’d shaved a perfect upside down triangle into his pubic area. A starkly white inverted triangle of naked skin amongst a thick sea of dark body hair.  Combine the triangle shape of missing pubes with the angularity of his cone shaped penis.  And it was all a little too much for tipsy me.

Poor Iguana was confused as to why his efforts to enhance his randiness and attract a desirable outcome had fallen flat.  As I explained how strange it looked. And that he should embrace his natural state of being I finished with “Do not do that”.

So upon reading of the chimpanzee my mind landed quickly on this memory. Iguana has the proud position of being the first lover to be nicknamed in what became our shorthand lingo of keeping up with our various blackbooks.

Ex Nickname System 

We chose to give them shorthanded nicknames that were derived from anything as simple as the suburb they were from, to a physical feature. Or to a behaviour or attitude or to how wonderful or awful they were sexually.

Some of the stories behind the names are boring and simple, some are horrifying and others hilarious.

• Eastwood

His real name was Dave but as there were a few more Daves in circulation we needed a quick way to tell him apart. Dave lived in Eastwood. We got bonus points for originality with this one.

• IT Dave

Lived in Epping and worked in the IT industry. We tried calling him Epping for a while. But continuously got him confused with Eastwood which is never a good look when trying to procure a sexy night. And you make reference to the right move with the wrong guy!

• Davidoff

Another Dave who liked wearing Cool Water by Davidoff.  He’d leave a lingering scent of the fragrance that was sometimes overpowering.  As he happened to be another Dave this nickname made itself.

• Cordial Boy

He was a lover that visited my girlfriend, Kissy (her nickname), one night. She had a penchant for much younger men.  After having what she described as a “nothing special” moment in the bedroom Kissy asked Cordial Boy if he’d like a beverage. As she plucked two ciders from the fridge.

Now one can be forgiven for not necessarily liking cider, but she was not prepared for what came next.  Cordial Boy refused the alcoholic beverage and pointed to the bottle of cordial on the bench. And asked her to make him a tropical flavoured non-alcoholic bevvy.

When they ventured into the local shopping strip for him to return home they decided to get something to eat.  All Cordial Boy wanted was a Happy Meal from McDonalds.  According to Kissy there was nothing man about him in the bedroom and he confirmed it with his choice of drink and meal.

Sex Diary

I’d like to share with you another quote from my book of choice at the moment describing interesting quirks of the animal sexual world.

“The male bison experiences an orgasm so violent that it lifts his hooves off the ground. Female bison, as you might imagine, have very strong backs. Say, you’ve been working out, haven’t you?”

This quip brought me immediately to another nickname. Another memory and some more entries in the pages of our collective blackbook.

Let’s continue with Ex Nicknames 

• Hardboiled Harry

Harry was a gentle giant that liked larger women. This worked extremely well for Harry because as the quip and his name may suggest, Harry liked to work out.

I’m not talking about going to the gym to stay healthy and fit.  Talking about the kind of person that must have their home away from home at the gym. Harry had muscle upon muscle upon muscle.

He was as firm as firm can be and had the cutest little head up top of this extremely muscular body-builder physique. It was a good thing he found larger women attractive because as he said “I don’t want to crush someone”.  When you’re as firm as a hardboiled egg and have an adorable egg-shaped head your nickname writes itself.

• Hobbit

I would imagine for most people that this would be self-explanatory.  Hobbits name only came about when Kissy rang me late one night in a panicked hushed whisper “There’s someone knocking at my doooooor!”.

As I lived over the driveway I had a visual line of sight direct to her door. Peeking out the window, indeed there was someone standing at her front door. But with the poor lighting I couldn’t make out much more than that.

“Help!! I need to know who it is because they won’t stop knocking”.

Being the faithful wingman I am, I proceeded to rush over to her unit in an attempt to get a closer look.

As I trod up the stairs the first thing that came into sight were a pair of giant bare feet underneath very skinny legs. Making the feet seem even larger.

Not “Oh they’re large” giant but “Oh My God! How huge are those feet?!”  Giant.  As I tried to remain inconspicuous I messaged Kissy simply saying “He has the biggest feet I’ve ever seen, just like a hobbit”.

Her reply “Oh that’s Reece, I’ll go let him in”. Truly a momentous moment when a man can be identified simply by the size of his feet.

Photo: Sex Diary: The Ex Nickname System Part 2 – Hobbit

• Do Like Dat

After a particularly rowdy night involving schnapps and SingStar Karaoke on the PlayStation. I bumped into Kissy’s new bedroom visitor out on the footpath as I was heading back home.

Having already seen his online profile to give him the wingman seal of approval I recognised him right away. He seemed lost and being the helpful drunk I was, I promptly directed him to her front door.

“Go down the drive…” he started walking off to escape the all-knowing now yelling drunk “Turn left, like that”.  Little did I realise the significance of what had just played out.

When asked about how he was the next morning

Kissy said that she’d heard the exchange outside and that his penis must have steered him in.  He had a kink in his penis which made it bend strongly to the left.

In Kissy’s words “It bent over so far that when I was giving him a blowjob I had to …” as she motioned tilting her head over to her right shoulder. Actioning this weird jiggly motion “Do like that. It was the only way to manoeuvre without knocking myself out”.

It would be prudent to touch on here that some of the nicknames that stuck don’t make me proud. In fact make me cringe a little. For one reason or another, they were usually created from trying to find the right descriptor. As certain things were said over morning cups of coffee and pancakes.

It could have been as simple as recounting something verbally to try and give the best visual description.

• Triple Nipple

He was a lovely English man that enjoyed a good ale and had an endearing sweet nature.  Unfortunately his performance in the bedroom was very sub-par.

Bless his soul, he tried.  Fact he tried so hard and tried to pretend nothing was wrong made the situation worse for himself.  There possibly couldn’t be anything more soul crushing for a man who is with a waiting woman only to find himself with a semi-erect penis.

For Triple Nipple it was sadly more flaccid than erect

And if only he’d been upfront about it I’d have been willing to have him round again.  I pulled every trick from my arsenal that night.  Diverting away with more foreplay involving other parts of the body.

Handing him a toy to use on me whilst assuring him these things happen. Whipping out a new cock ring (every lady casual lover needs a stash of new cock rings!). Suggesting we take a break, suggesting we try again another night.

Triple Nipple persisted and made out like there was no problem.

And persisted and persisted. At one point he tried folding his flaccid penis with its baggy blanket condom attached, into my vagina. He was successful enough with that manoeuvre that he blew his load almost instantly.

And that was the end of that. Trying to describe to a girlfriend just how nubby and squishy and not exciting his penis was. She asked with wide-eyes “Was it like he had a third nipple instead of a penis?”.

Yes, that’s exactly what it felt like.

More Ex Sex Nicknames!!!

I’m almost ashamed to go on but alas there are more sex stories and they’re certainly of more interest to be told than left to float around in my head as memories.

• Smokey

A broad-shouldered fireman who put up with my drunken antics before I finally shoved him down the hall to the bedroom.  Smokey had an irritated cough.  As a nursing undergraduate, I immediately identified that it didn’t sound good.

“All good” he said as we got down to business.  Afterwards as we slept the alcohol off, he coughed regularly and his voice became hoarser throughout the night.

As the night went on, it sounded more and more serious.

All hail the morning wood.

Away we went at it again which was fine enough up until the condom broke. Well, crap! That means a trip to the chemist for emergency contraception and then off to the sexual health clinic.

It happens. I dropped him at the train station on the way to the chemist, he promised to be in contact. Needless to say I didn’t expect to hear from him again.

Three days later he rang to ask if I had been okay after the emergency contraception.

I noticed he wasn’t coughing so much anymore.

It was then he told me that he’d actually had a face mask crack whilst he was on duty as a fireman earlier that day. And had inhaled enough smoke to cause serious irritation to his lungs.

He’d collapsed at the train station and had to be rushed to the hospital.

Smokey spent 24 hours in intensive care being helped to breathe. When one inhales enough smoke to require hospitalization and then disappear like a puff of smoke, it’s a certain inevitability you’ll be christened Smokey.  Props to him for his performance given that he had serious issues breathing.

A true hero fireman.

• Linkenbrinkenfingertrickter

He was a lover of my girlfriend.  His actual name was Leonard and he had an Austrian heritage with a mildly complicated sounding surname. Over drinks one night I asked if he would pay a visit any time soon.

Kissy was confused as to who I referred to and in an attempt to sound his surname out, I hadn’t been able to remember his first name I managed to slur out loud “Linkenbrinkenfingertrickter”.

Christened him with a name that gave fits of hysterical laughter. It was guaranteed to stick and it did.

• Hook Boy

This delightful young gentleman graced my bedroom one night, nudged on by my girlfriend who said “Go on, let loose and enjoy yourself.  Give a youngen a try”.

You see, I’m not entirely fond to bed partners much younger than myself. Unlike my girlfriends who like to train and mould an enthusiastic younger lover.  I’m not so keen after I had less than wonderful experiences previously.

Hook Boy did not change my mindset.

He was exuberant and gets a thumbs up for that but it was steadily downhill from there.  Hook Boy proved to be quite lacklustre when it came to foreplay and intercourse.  He gave me an experience akin to me masturbating out of boredom where I’m just going through the motions.

After I brought him to orgasm quickly with intercourse Hook Boy proclaimed “I’ll finish you off!”. “Okay, here goes nothing” I thought as he shoved two fingers inside me. I could not have imagined the horror that was about to go down as he proceeded to finger bang me.

Suddenly I felt this claw that scrapped, yanked and pulled at my insides.

“Ummm, excuse me, but what the hell do you think you’re doing there?!” I yelped as I tried to pull myself away. With a proud grin Hook Boy replied “Stimulating your G-Spot” as he attempted to continue.

No… no… NO! That is no way to stimulate a G-Spot. It was now game over. I thanked him for his time and showed him the door.

Imagine for a moment what it feels like to have your internal organs pulled out of your body via your nether regions with a piece of barbed wire fashioned into a crude hook. You’re about close to what this sensation felt like. And that is how he became known as Hook Boy.

• Wii Man

Around the time of the release of the Nintendo Wii when the console was still a novelty a new lover paid a visit to Kissy’s house.

After the standard ‘break the ice’ beverage Kissy leaned over with a wink and whispered “So what would you like to get up to now?” Wii Man pointed over at the Nintendo Wii and told her he’d like to play that for a while as it looked like fun.

As Kissy sat there bewildered he asked “Do you have the ten pin bowling game?” Kissy set the console up and booted up the requested game.

An hour of play later she lost her patience.

And told Wii Man in no uncertain terms that if he planned to continue to use his fingers on a remote instead of on her then it was time for him to leave.

Penny finally dropped for Wii Man and they proceeded to get down to business. Kissy admitted the next morning that while he may have been good with the angle and power in the game, in real life it was all gutter balls.

Jennifer Vermaunt

Jennifer is a marketer at Adultsmart! Embracing a non-judgmental stance, she believes in pleasure without limits—if it feels good and right, why not?

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