You “know” because you decide How To Love. It’s love when you do it. All the time. Why is dating ONE person such a bad thing before we decide to be exclusive? Why is falling in love fast a taboo subject? Why do we need to act mean to keep them keen? Why can’t it just be loving like you give a shit?
I’ve never understood why we do all these things to MAKE someone want to be with us.
Shouldn’t they just want to? And if they don’t they don’t deserve us. Why do we have to act not interested? Why do we have to keep our feelings to ourselves? And why do we have to date multiple people to keep our options open? What if we just want one option?
Falling in Love vs Falling in Healthy Love
There is a difference between falling in love and falling in HEALTHY love. Healthy love doesn’t feel like your falling. You don’t get the butterflies, the accelerated heart rate or the sweaty palms like you do when you fall in lust. It just feels right and it feels comfortable.
Love isn’t just a feeling though, love is something you do.
It’s an act and it’s something you choose to do. It’s a decision you make moment by moment, it’s deliberate and it’s a conscious decision.
A Problem with Rushing Love
After abuse of any sort walking into a new relationship takes a lot of clear thinking. Most survivors are shell shocked. They don’t easily open themselves up which can make it hard for a new relationship to blossom.
It is not jumped into quickly either. Because previous partners didn’t allow things to go slow, they forced you to go fast and rush things. Rushing things doesn’t allow us time to be rational. It doesn’t allow us time to have a clear mind and possibly having to protect ourselves from someone who has bad intentions.
Throughout our experiences we have acquired knowledge about how people behave. Warning signs to watch out for, how exploitive people act and the ways in which to not get emotionally connected to them.
We learn to be able to say “Thanks but no thanks, I am not interested”
And we learn to really get to know someone and assert our own boundaries.
And then it happens… Those split seconds that you decided you are ready to give up on the idea or even the hope that there is someone out there for you.
Finding Healthy Love and What it Feels Like
They then appear. Someone who sat in the back of your mind for weeks and it feels so right.
You don’t get that usual “lust” feeling, the butterflies and all those dramatic emotions. You feel at home, comfortable and just in awe of their presence. They don’t automatically fill all your broken holes and damages. So much more. They do more than that, they make you forget those holes and damages even existed. And they make you feel perfect.
Walking into love is different
Because you are walking into healthy love for the very first time, it is now calm, peaceful, tranquil, trustworthy, consistent, present. While respecting your space and boundaries, it is genuine and unconditional.
Healthy relationships are all about communication, feeling safe, trust and there is a lack of jealousy. I love the fact that I have no jealousy present. Love that there is no doubt in my mind throughout the day. I have the full capacity to enjoy our conversations without thoughts creeping into my mind.
Being in a healthy relationship means you can have a deep and loving conversation. Capacity to be fully content with their affection and appreciation of you.
What it Feels like to Trust Someone
Trust is a massive one and the absence of insecurity and anxiety is a breath of fresh air.
Being able to focus solely on the greatness and depth of the relationship it feels like it truly is a partnership. Not just on the surface but behind closed doors as well.
I know that he will treat me the same way no matter what, and on every level we will work together as a team. An act of love is a beautiful and a nurturing journey. And the fact that we are similar people is so new. Have you ever wondered what two givers in a relationship would feel like?
It is a truly calm, harmonious and trustworthy experience.
Most of all, I Believe in Loving Like You Give a Shit
I believe in whole hearted 100% pure love and I believe in being completely myself in my relationship and my partner being completely himself.
I’m always flirting with my partner and always working on our relationship. I believe in forgiving and accepting and talking things out instead of yelling and I believe in empathy and being genuine.
I believe in apologising, and never giving up on the relationship. Embracing every moment the good and the bad and always showing and accepting love. I believe in verbal appreciation, and non-verbal.
Believe in all kinds of dates fancy or at home.
I believe that those who are meant to be together will always be together. Believe love is unstoppable and deeply loving someone is always a vulnerable position.
How To Love
I believe that this kind of healthy love is on another level. And a connection brings the most authentic part of a person to the surface. How slow kisses and long hugs at any point in time, I believe in fairy tales.
Loving like you give a shit. I believe in always putting in the work and showing your partner that you care. And the effort is always reciprocated, not because you both have to but because you both want to.
I never want to be someone who doesn’t deeply love 110%
Want to continue to deepen my love and my capacity to love until the very end and I want to find my eternal happiness.
Get Over It – Won’t YOU?
Why do they keep bringing up the past?
I know I do it, I know it’s a common occurrence in most relationships, and I know most partners question why!
It seems to be a common issue that I have noticed in relationships. While trying oh so very hard to move on with life and “get over it” the past rears its ugly head and pokes the bear as so to speak.
But at some point, does anybody ask why?
Does anybody question or delve deeper to find out why it keeps being brought up? Partners constantly call it nagging or whinging but what about finding out the root of the “whinging” or “nagging”.
Some people need validation
They need to feel as though their problems, issues or concerns are fully understood by the person who hurt them. All you need to do is validate that what you did was wrong in one way or another to them, so they can feel as though you truly are trying to reflect on their concerns.
Power of validation is a huge power to hold.
Sometimes all they need is acknowledgement, you can’t keep trying to fix something that is broken, it will never be the same again. All you can do is accept it and move on to a different path.
Women and men process things in different ways
Sometimes we express our emotions externally and sometimes we express them internally.
Neither is wrong or right. We just need to understand that things aren’t always done the way we do them. The ones we perceived as negative, aren’t actually negative. It’s just the way in which they process their feelings in a more open format.
Unprocessed emotions can have a bubble up affect
Unless they are dealt with in a way they are comfortable with they become a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
Negativity is just unprocessed emotions.
Try not to take it personally sometimes there is a process of emotions that they need to go through first before they are able to fix it. Normally when someone is negative their mood will make you feel uncomfortable. So you try and fix their mood to fix their issues. They might have traumatic pain from a loving touch. Sometimes you can’t help and this in turn makes you feel frustrated. Which in turn makes you think that they are always negative and unhappy.
Trying to validate an issue without being the winner of the argument is a tough one to navigate.
You need to do this with an open mind. Not the mindset of always being right, your aim is to repair the damage, not cause it to become worse. The aim should be to deepen you’re understanding, respect, and work on the security of your relationship.
This means not becoming defensive when you feel something is not going the way you want it too. It’s about validating one another and clearing up all misunderstandings. When someone is emotionally processing an issue, is does not mean that every time they are emotional it is directed at you.
It isn’t always a personal attack.
You need to reassure yourself in that moment that they might not be angry or upset at you. Ask for clarity if you are unsure and try very hard not to be defensive. They might express to you that it is external to your relationship and at that moment take a breather. You know it’s not personal!
Usually when a partner is bringing up past issues in a defensive way it is because previously when they have brought it up it hasn’t gone well. Relationship insecurities are the biggest hurdle to overcome. Especially when there is something significant they feel is lacking.
Have a conversation about it!
That is my best advice. Sit down and talk about it. Sometimes the other person doesn’t know what they are missing or the extent of how much something is bothering you unless you talk about it.
This leads to subtle expressions and hints being over thought about and thus jumping to conclusions.
Most of the time we bottle up our emotions until something small happens. It all comes crashing down together. This could be due to fear about how you will take it. Or maybe they are still hurting about a certain situation and struggle to bring it up.
Beating yourself up about it isn’t going to help
We all need to front situations head on and deal with them as they are, in a vulnerable state with no hidden agendas. Rarely ignoring a situation will ever make the issue go away. This leads to unpredictable bouts of aggression and hurt that is highly unnecessary. It may be the reason you feel as though you are constantly walking on egg shells.
Trying to defend yourself while also trying to fix the situation never works.
You both need to work together.
- Take note of how you are feeling and ask yourself why you are feeling those emotions.
- Do not bottle them up until one small thing makes you break.
- Because then something that is tiny might be perceived as a big issue.
- Express what you need in the moment and work on it.
Meet Morgan, a young designer advocating equality and speaking out against violence. Her journey in the adult industry has been transformative.
Leave a Reply