What's in Her Bum? You Will Never Hear The End of It!

What’s in her bum? This is probably not a question many of us have considered asking about another human. But let me explain why I even considered this question…

This weekend I received a phone call from one of my friends who had woken up a bit worse for wear in her new boyfriends bed. She was a little bit perplexed because she could feel her missing sex toy stuck way up her bum. She found her bullet vibrator! Every time she laughed on the phone the thing started vibrating!

She had a bit of a feel around up there, but to no avail. She said that having her new boyfriend try to retrieve it in the cold light of day had proved a little bit too weird. After I stopped laughing I told her not to use anal toys with out a flared base in future. Then I carried on laughing. It did get me thinking about how sex often doesn’t go to plan and can end up being pretty damn embarrassing sometimes.

Sex is great fun as we all know but due to the nature of the intimacy there are endless opportunities for us to feel vulnerable or downright awkward. I think it is safe to say that all of us will experience at least one embarrassing thing during our sexual lifetime.

It doesn’t even have to be you doing something that is embarrassing it can be another person. I remember having a sexual encounter with a guy I met in a bar. To all intents and purposes he seemed like a very normal Englishman, charming and handsome. He was stunning underneath his underwear to. Indeed he stayed pretty much like that – that is right up until he was about to cum.. when all of a sudden he morphed into some kind of cowboy.

He started talking in a broad Texan accent and shouted something like “rock and roll baby” …. Oh my god I was so embarrassed, for me, for him… Hey, I was embarrassed for America. I don’t even remember how I handled the situation. The rest of the night is a blur. But I do remember that he wasn’t in the least bit ashamed and in case you are wondering he definitely wasn’t doing it to be funny.

Cowboy Riding Horse

So what’s in her bum? The embarrassing question.. For me..

The point of my story is that I was the one who was embarrassed about asking the question “What’s in her bum?”. You see, therein lies the solution to embarrassing sex. There is a very wise saying that life is only 10 percent what happens to you, and 90% how you react. That is so true.

I would like to say I am the person who trips over in public then bows to everyone, laughing endearingly and charmingly at his mistake, then walks on their merry way with everyone in awe of his confidence while gagging to be friends with me.

I’m not “That Person” though, I am the one who trips up then pretends it is part of the way I always walk, even tripping a bit again a couple of times to make it more convincing!! For some reason I can’t understand why it is preferable to look like I have one leg shorter than the other, rather than to just own the fact I tripped. Sex can be very clumsy, you might bang heads together so hard you want to cry. You might get cramp or fall off the bed. Try and be the person who laughs and takes a bow.

We have all done these things during sex.. Haven’t we?

Most people have farted at one point or another during sex. The noise levels, aroma and position at the time directly contribute to just how completely humiliating this can be. Then as if that wasn’t bad enough us women have to deal with wet air loudly puffing out of our other holes when we least want it.

Yes the good old fanny fart or “queefing” as it is now known. For bottom farters out there, there isn’t much you can do other than avoid positions where your arse is in the air. Same goes for “gash guffing” (I just made that up). If you are regular perpetrator of that particular affliction, you can employ a bit of damage limitation by sneakily inserting your fingers while having sex to let the air escape in a more controlled fashion.

Another common thing many of us will have come across is when his penis doesn’t find its destination quite as easily as expected . I thought dicks had some kind of assisted parking device, that the organ was like a sort of heat seeking missile, deftly and effortlessly slipping into the awaiting vagina.

I didn’t realise it sometimes messed around down there like a salesman, frantically knocking at every door on the street looking for any way in. Time freezes…the search seems to last an eternity. He is thinking he looks like a virgin who doesn’t know what the hell he is doing. She is thinking, ‘warmer…warmer…that’s it….na… colder….woah there! easy tiger!” She should probably say that out loud actually, it might lighten the situation.

Communication During Sex Can Avoid Embarrassment

Trying something new for the first time can potentially be embarrassing. New sex toys can be fraught with problems. Even older sex toys can be problematic as my friend found out.

Speak up if something’s not working. Never forget the other person is feeling the same way. The longer you let any of these kind of embarrassing situations go on, the more excruciating they become and the harder it is to come back from them. Say something funny or try to stop an embarrassing moment in its tracks with a compliment. Observe the potentially funny faces when both of you have clearly had enough of trying not to gag with laughter, while pretending to enjoy the entire bottle of banana flavoured lube you have smothered your bits in.

Embracing what ever happens during sex is the best thing to do. This is only possible if you are easy on yourself and accept it isn’t going to be perfect all the time. It can also be something you end up laughing and joking about for years to come and anyway worse case scenario, its stuff you can laugh about with your mates further down the track!

So yeah back to the original question – what’s in her bum? Apparently a sex toy that had become “lost” in this instance. Thankfully she found it. And our conversations may never be the same again.