Say it with me now, anorgasmia.
An-or-gaz-mia
What is it? It is the inability to reach orgasm. Whether this is vaginally, clitorally, penally or at all. Anorgasmia.
Today we will be talking about female Anorgasmia.
I have been talking more and more to ciswomen who not only feel the pressure to have an orgasm during intercourse.
But feel that there is something inherently wrong with them that they can’t or haven’t had an orgasm either at all, or during intercourse with their partner. And it causes them considerable mental stress and significant emotional turmoil.
I am not yet an expert but I do have a lot of experience. I’m well read in this and I have conversed with many people about this. Through research both academic and of my own volition there is nothing wrong with not being able to achieve female orgasms.
Studies done on Infrequent or No Orgasms
A study in both America and the UK showed that over 70% of women volunteered that they either had very infrequent orgasms or none at all.
Out of those 70% many explained that occasionally they could achieve orgasm during penetrative intercourse if they stimulated their clitoras during play. Others reported that they waited and masturbated after penetrative intercourse was finished.
Some reported that they “faked” an orgasm to cover up not being able to achieve one.
Stigma Around Faking Orgasms
Upon further academic and article research I found that there is quite the stigma around cis women “faking” orgasms because they feel that they are expected to. Or that they don’t want to disappoint their partner.
As instagram @froeticsexology says “orgasms don’t define good sex” and highlights that we should be aiming for pleasure instead of orgasms.
Anorgasmia can occur because of many factors
It can be resolved, if it causes you concern or distress. Anorgasmia can stem from the following but there are many more.
- Psychological reasons.
- PTSD.
- stress.
- medication.
- physicality.
- barriers to stimulation.
Different methods can be used and explored to resolve Anorgasmia.
Your doctor may be able to assist with anorgasmia, other health professionals can also prove to be beneficial. Such as a psychologist, or counsellor or even selecting and speaking to a Sexologist or Sex therapist.
Sexologists are growing in number and awareness within our community, providing accredited information to our communication. Helping in educating, breaking the stigma around sex and assisting us in feeling comfortable in discussing all things sex.
Look here to find an accredited sex therapist near you.
Another method which is highly effective with Anorgasmia is relaxation and self-exploration.
Solo.
These days there is much pressure on us, sexually and in everyday life. Both of these can sometimes be linked to anorgasmia. Relaxation and getting in touch with your own body, in your own time, no pressure, no expectations. Can be a great way to connect and engage with your body and your feelings and your pleasure. Self-exploration and masturbation is the next key.
Take it slow. Explore your body, your skin, lips, nipples, clitoris, labia and vagina. Slowly. Use toys to help you explore the senses. Try vibrations and heat, rotations and thrusting.
Using insertables, try finding your g-spot.
Release the notion that the vagina is full of nerves and hold in your mind that the pleasure of the vagina is pressure. Nerves are mainly felt through the clitoral root that wraps around the vagina, lending its sensation to the G spot.
Use a g spot vibe or your fingers to curl against this spot half a finger length up into your vgainal entrance.
Some cis women may not orgasm from the G spot, remember this isn’t just about orgasm, its about pleasure. But let’s delve a little deeper.
Some women need their A spot stimulated to climax.
The A-spot is so aptly named for the anterior fornix which is located towards the rear of your vaginal cavity just before your cervix. A spot focuses the most on pressure.
So stimulating the spot with a broad head of a toy and rubbing or massaging this spot will focus the greatest amount of pleasure.
Utilising a massage wand that is able to be inserted will provide a large/broad head and powerful and concentrated point of vibration. That will stimulate both the A-spot and the G-spot simultaneously.
If attempting to explore the A-spot
And it is a tad uncomfortable it is very possible that you are not aroused enough and that you’re hitting the cervix or “bottoming out”. Take a breath.
When cis-women are aroused the vaginal canal extends up into the abdomen, tucking the cervix out of harm’s way. Your A-spot is on the tummy side of the cervix. The P-spot (aptly named for the Posterior Fornix- did you guess?) is on the opposite side of the cervical opening, towards the spine.
Both these spots can feel amazing to most women
But they come with patience and exploration. Rubbing up against these spots will increase moisture and slickness within the canal, the blood rushing from arousal heightening these delicate pressure plates.
Bending your legs upwards towards your stomach, or supporting your lower back with a pillow will bring this wondrous spot closer to the touch.
Again, and I cannot stress this enough, take this slow.
If there is discomfort, stop. But don’t give up.
This is why self exploration is so much fun. You try again and again, with no agenda, no time sensitivity. Relax , breathe deep, add some more lubrication and stimulate your clitoras to bring more blood flow and arousal and try again.
Try different gels and oils to assist with arousal.
“On Ultra” is a topical ciltoris oil utilising cinnamon, sweet almond and ginger to spur arousal and provide a tingling, vibration on the nerves found there. This assists in arousal, by stimulating blood flow, and inducing the production of a wetter canal.
Try some and sit with the feel, become aware with the vibrations you feel and the warmth as it spreads to your Labia and throughout your pelvic area.
Now try your insertables again. Being mindful throughout this process also proves in increasing attention, feeling and relaxation within the moment. All of these are essential to that good feeling and good place to help encourage an orgasm.
Using a bullet, a wand or a clitoral specific massager can be used to stimulate the nerves on the clitoral root.
When the body is aroused, the clitoras will retract a little underneath the protective hood, to lessen the sensitive nerve endings.
With your toy of choice, or your fingers, apply slight pressure and massage for pleasure. As the heat and feelings build, don’t be afraid and pull back. Gently lean yourself into the feeling. Try and release the tension that you begin to feel throughout your body and surrender.
As the pleasure mounts you may feel it give way.
And what a feeling. Different different clitoral toys will depend on how sensitive you are, how steady handed you are, and how much power you would like to assist you.
If you find yourself getting frustrated, that’s ok too.
Take a break. Remember what we said about the pressure on ourselves? If you’re wondering when it will happen? Or why it’s taking so long?
Chances are that you are willing yourself into a mindset where you will be unable to achieve an orgasm. And significantly affect the pleasure you are feeling within the moment.
Getting in touch with your own body and your own pleasure is empowering.
It helps you to relax, it helps you to learn. And the more you learn over time, the more you may feel more confident to invite a second player in to share in the secrets that you have found.
Practice definitely helps to train your body to relax, surrender and invites a safe space for pleasure.
But most importantly, have fun.
Delight in the surrender of your body and the touch. Focus on feeling good, and doing things that feel good. Don’t view the orgasm as the finish line.
View self-pleasuring or masturbating as the goal, and the orgasm, whether you have it or not, as a happy addition.
Anorgasmia is not something to feel shame about. It is a learning curve. And it is more common than we are led to believe. By talking about it, more people will be aware of it, its commonality, the reasons behind it, and how masturbation and self-exploration can help.
Discover Tiffany’s journey! Sexologist, passionate writer, & educator exploring kink, sex, and pleasure. Enjoy her insightful reads on the Adultsmart blog!
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