Are We Sexually Compatible? Dr. Stacy Gives Good Advice

When my wife (then 21 / 22) and I (27) first started dating we dated for a couple of months. She had gotten out of her basically only long term relationship a year before this. I don’t know what happened but the best I can piece together he cheated frequently. It’ seems nearly everyone knows but me. Anyhow, during that time she made it clear no sex. It sucked but I respected her wishes. She comes from a very Christian family. We had some fun but then around the 2 month mark she stopped calling and returning calls.

Like I said it was fun but I wasn’t quite in love with her. Fast forward a few months and she reaches out to me wanting to go out again. Again like i said she was fun so I agreed. Well things progress much quicker know and we have sex a few weeks later and actually engaged a few months after that. Things are still going well however some cracks develop.

Turns out her ex bf is a very, very tall black guy. I’m  from a northern state in America and grew up around blacks my whole life. No issues at all with her dating a black guy. No while I have no problem with her dating a black guy her family sorta does. And by “sorta” they do. She defies them and he takes her virginity. So the good Christian girl is having premarital sex with someone her parents do not necessarily like too much.

The funny thing is that she believes her parents and family damn near walk on water. They are good people but have some skeletons in their closet that she conveniently over looks.

Sorry a bit off track. So one day she tells me her ex is a lot bigger than me. I’m a very average 6”. She doesn’t tell me how much bigger. Ok. Yeah that hurt but they guys 6’11”. I hope he’s bigger. It was just the way she said it. While I’m sure it’s true she just said it as if she was telling me it was sunny outside.

Then we are fooling around one day and I ask if she’s ever given a blowjob. Long story short YES. A lot of them to her ex. But she tells me we have to save something for after we are married. For the next few months we are going out with her friends and she’s drinking and talking a really big sex game. Like she’s Uber experienced. I talk to her about 1) it doesn’t make me feel exactly comfortable her talking like this in front of everyone when she’s certainly not delivering to me that kind of sex and passion. We argue, fight and she tells me to get over it.

It’s not a big deal. Then the proverbial kick the the nuts. When we dated for a couple of months and had zero sexual activity beyond kissing and then she breaks up with me. Well what did she do during those few months? She went out to bars and had one night stands. And what was her go to sex act because of her Christian up bringing she sucked their dicks. And the first one was less than 10 days after she broke up with me.

Things haven’t really gotten better. For a time they did but it’s been several years of up and downs and frankly we would both agree not what we expected.

I should say she is also I guess I’d say controlling. Not in a domineering way but more in a “I’m never wrong and even when  I am I will figure out a way to spin it so I’m right” way. So anytime we argue about this she always has a way of making it my fault or my issue and I need to “get over it”.

I do love her and want to have a happy house and family but it’s hard. I know many psychologists say your past is your past and your SO has no right to know about it. This is something I don’t agree with because her either not telling me or her omission of certain facts that have come out (how they couldn’t, she shares way too much information and has a close group of friends and family) have really destroyed me. Killed my confidence and made me feel like I am not sexually good enough.

She has many traits I admire greatly. She is very loyal to her family. Like knife you if you say something bad about them. She is very intelligent (3 BS and 1 Masters of Science) and she has the ability to rationalize anything that might not be acceptable to someone it affects. She’s quite caring but the order is her, her family, friends and then me. Seriously.

I honestly feel like I was lied to and used. I am certain she didn’t do anything intentionally to hurt me but she has. The worst part is when I tell her she tells me it’s my problem or get over it or some of my favorites, you’d better get yourself together and mg all time favorite “Man Up”. I almost left her that day.

Confused, hurt, sad and unhappy. Don’t know that I’ll ever know what love feels like.

Hi Steve,

Looking at what you have described to me – and without speaking with your partner – the person you are with could be suffering from either borderline personality disorder or strong traits of narcissism.  The good new for you is that being aware of these you can research these disorders and understand where she is coming from.

In any relationship, both have to be happy and satisfied with their dynamic to make it last. Healthy dynamics are based on mutual understanding, respect, and open communication about desires and boundaries. Each couple is unique, and that’s what finding works for you is all about. Whether it’s embracing traditional roles, exploring new dynamics, or switching power occasionally, the key is alignment.

Understanding may give you the tools to change your relationship boundaries to those that are more acceptable to you or realize that it is beyond repair and equip you to move on.

Domineering partners may be exceptional if you are interested in having a dom/sub relationship or want to be a cuckold – but to do so happily you have to be prepared to relinquish all control to another.

These have made couples very happy—the sole decider, others enjoy their partner being the boss at work; there are those, also, who enjoy an extreme varieties. Some place all intimacy and satisfaction by coming to an agreed way, consensually enjoying themselves in a relationship this way. Trying different roles or power structures can reignite the fire of passion and foster much deeper trust.

But the most important thing is that both partners feel fulfilled and heard. Constantly checking up on each other keeps the balance for them and satisfies them. The end goal should be to have a relationship where both partners feel powerful, respected, and connected.

FAQs About Dealing With Unhealthy Power Dynamics in a Relationship

1. What are unhealthy power dynamics in a relationship?
   They occur when one partner consistently dominates or controls the other, leading to imbalance and potential harm.
2. How can I recognize unhealthy power dynamics?
   Look for signs like manipulation, lack of compromise, controlling behavior, or feeling consistently disrespected or undervalued.
3. Can unhealthy power dynamics be fixed?
   Yes, with open communication, mutual effort, and possibly the help of a therapist, dynamics can improve over time.
4. What role does communication play in addressing power imbalances?
   Clear, honest communication is essential for expressing feelings and working together to restore balance and mutual respect.
5. Should I stay in a relationship with unhealthy power dynamics?
   It depends on the severity and willingness of both partners to address the issues and work toward change.
6. How can therapy help with power imbalances?
   A therapist provides a neutral space to identify issues, improve communication, and rebuild trust and equality in the relationship.
7. What boundaries should I set to protect myself?
   Establish clear limits on acceptable behavior, ensure your voice is heard, and prioritize your emotional well-being.
8. How do I rebuild equality in my relationship?
   Focus on shared decision-making, mutual respect, and valuing each other’s contributions to create a healthy, balanced partnership.

Hope this helps!!