I recently watched a YouTuber by the name of Sam Luigi and his video title ‘Are you gay and ugly?’ and I sat on it for a few weeks. ‘Are you gay and ugly’ is a rough title in itself as no one wants to feel like they are ugly.
Sam raised many issues that resonate not only within the Queer community, but can be translated throughout society. An idea that gay males are not attractive if they aren’t ripped, under the age of 40, aren’t disabled, or otherwise don’t conform to the Bel Ami, Cocky Boy, Titanmen image.
Indeed, by a quick search online there’s a lot of messages of support, support groups, and donation pages to the ideal ‘cute, young gay man’. Who has been adversely affected by the homophobic society.
But that’s long as your cute you can participate on these pages.
We need to only look towards the recent Georgian Teen in America, who ended up donating his large sum of money to homeless shelters.
Thank you for that by the way but what about the rest of our community?
As Sam mentions in his video, an older gay male who lost his partner of eight years didn’t receive support from the mechanisms designed to support our community. Because he didn’t fit the poster boy image.
Is it possible our community only responds thing’s that we deem as attractive rather then the person’s cause?
Sam Luigi echoed a sentiment that I have had for many years.
Whilst the Queer community strives for equality we spend so much time in-fighting with political correctness, battling the ideal image of masculinity and fighting for a cause that we convince ourselves is inclusive. But it is only inclusive in so far as it relates to our own click or micro-community within a broader spectrum. In doing so we end up severely off course.
Gay and Ugly
When I first came out I ended up in Oxford Street and I have never felt so out of place in my life. Among these overtly gay, model twinks that knew exactly how to dance and had a lingo of their own.
These guys who were supposed to be a part of my gay community had already developed their own clicks. And were outright dismissive of anything less than what they considered to be ideal. It is hard to become a part of someone else’s group when you haven’t grown within their community.
Marketing plays a strong part here as each venue specifically caters towards a particular group and reinforces these discourses of a fractured community.
Subsequently, I moved on from the scene
I choose to support my community in other ways.
Activism, program and policy development and with my voice. I thoroughly enjoy the time’s I spend helping others in the community. If I’m doing something positive with in my society I can help nurture a social connection that I feel is important to people’s well being.
Having a voice that is heard can create awareness for deeper issues that need to be acknowledged.
This is one of the reasons why we ran the sex positive ideas in our stores.
Sex positive ideas provide an inclusive environment without judgement and without catering to just one specific market. Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres are for everyone without any exclusions.
We want to move away from the sleaze, darkly lit rooms that smelt faintly of certain substances. And away from the place where the person behind the counter stared at you from their safety net. We want to openly invite people who would like help improving your lifestyle.
We pride ourselves on having fun and providing a safe space
Regardless of orientation or sex. Our work is not done, the work is never done. But we work on chipping it down brick by brick. More we help people, the more people are comfortable with who they are.
People can find their sexuality and experience life for what they may need it to be rather than having to “fit in” to a mold. At the end of the day, everyone is different with their personal characteristics, hobbies, and lifestyles.
It makes the world more fun and interesting.
Coming Out Of The Closet As A Gay Teen
It is a scary time, coming out, for every person of the LGBTQIA+ community. Every one of us has to go through it, and we usually don’t come out once but multiple times.
We come out to our friends, parents, family, peers and colleagues. As we get older it becomes easier, and generally not even needed. Now I feel that I don’t have to come out to people and that if they have a problem, it’s theirs and not mine.
But it wasn’t always like that.
And I, just like everyone had a tough time coming to terms with my sexuality. It was when I was about 14 when I started to notice guys. I was in denial for so long and I was okay with gay people.
Always knew that my uncles were gay and I was completely fine. It was just something I wasn’t. Or so I thought at the time.
When I was 15 and in year 10, there was a boy in the year above me. A senior who I would always stare at and admire how beautiful he was. But no! I wasn’t gay! That just wasn’t me. I remember thinking how being gay was for other people, but not me.
But after months of being in denial, one day I completed my usually routine and finished art class, I walked from H block and stared at the guy. But I finally admitted to myself.
“Brett! Admit it! You’re gay! A big fat flamer and you like penis!” I felt as though a massive weight had been lifted!
How I Came Out Of The Closet
Now that I had admitted it to myself, I needed to talk about it.
Back when I was in high school, there weren’t a whole lot of options as to where you could meet other gay teenagers. But one place that was popular to chat was on the website of a local radio station. So I hopped on there and started chatting. It was an open chat so I was anonymous.
“Any gay guys?” I typed and waited.
Someone responded and we went to a private chat. He seemed nice and we had things that we had in common. So we decided to exchange numbers. He said he would call me, so I disconnected from the computer and ran to my room to await his call.
I was so scared, nervous and excited and I had butterflies and it felt like it had been hours. But in fact it was only a few moments. He rang and we talked into the early hours of the morning. We talked over the phone for about 2 weeks until he suggested we meet.
I agreed but was so scared.
We arranged to meet in a public space.
(I wasn’t stupid. This was the early days of the internet, but I still knew not to meet a total stranger somewhere private) We met and wow! I had never done anything like that before. It was one of the most exciting but scary things I had ever done.
I was so nervous that I took a backpack with every CD I owned. It weighed a tonne! But, after that initial meet, we had gotten to know each other more and we became good friends.
Next person I came out to was an actual family member.
I went to lunch with her and I said I wanted to buy some designer clothing and black nail polish (I was going through a wannabe Goth stage. How tragic).
She asked why and said people might think I was gay. I said maybe I was. My gosh, I just did it. It felt like an eternity for her to answer, and she replied with love and kindness.
I slowly came out to friends after that
And was met with support and kindness. But the big one was my parents and I remember it so clearly. I was in my room one morning and my mum came in to just have a chat.
We ended up on the subject of my internet friend. As far as she knew, he was a friend of a friend. And she said she thought he might have a crush on my uncle. I said probably. Then she asked if I had a crush on my friend.
I said I did and she started to cry.
Not exactly the reaction I had hoped for.
She said she was just hoping I would marry a nice girl who would give her grandchildren and they could go shopping. My brother would marry some skank that just wanted sex and money.
Her words, not mine.
After the initial shock things were fine I though and it took her many years to come to terms with it. I’m honestly not sure if she is 100%. As for my father, well we’ve never had the talk, and never will.
It’s just an unspoken thing that has just been accepted. He and my mother have had discussions about it, she’s told me. He loves me and just wants me to be happy, and that’s all that matters.
We don’t need to have a big coming out moment. I was met by full support from my brother so that felt good.
I have been very lucky with my coming out story.
As I have had very little negativity, and what little I have, have been from unimportant people.
I’ve had friends who have had horrendous coming outs. They’ve been bashed, kicked out of home and abandoned by their family. So I am definitely very lucky that I have had such an easy coming out.
But, it is still mine and I have had my own difficulties. Main one being the response from my mother. In every other way we are close, it hurts but we are getting better.
Coming out is hard for every single person and not an easy thing to do but we just have to support each other. If we don’t get that from our families, we make our own, whether it be from blood, or friends.
But either way, we need to surround ourselves with love, support and positivity. It does get better!
Meet Stephen, a bold and opinionated cis-gendered gay advocate for gender equality and sexual education. Join him on the Adultsmart blog for fearless insights.
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