A Different Type of Gratitude!

It’s going to take a while to get there but today I discovered a new kind of gratitude list.

I was filled with resentment, self-pity the last couple of days (no weeks) and this morning decided I needed to take a break and just chill with a long walk along the Cronulla shore line.  I was in victim mode with the usual why me, how could they, why wouldn’t they, don’t they understand – all about me – my thoughts and actions acting in my selfish ways – defects there for all to see.  I had made recent errors in trying to control things, acting out and more and whilst I admitted these, failed and continue to fail to keep them in check.  I had been given  some wise words that I can only be responsible for my own thoughts and actions as mine is the only journey that with gods will I have any power over.  Wise words – harder to put into action – working it is sometimes easier said than done – so caught up in myself.

As I walked, the beauty of the shore-line, clear blue water with waves tumbling, escaped me, this perfect day was lost and the happiness that I saw in other people inwardly I resented.  A young couple kissing I cringed as I watched and felt like shouting at them stop, you do not know what you are getting yourselves into and bursting their bubble – how selfish of me, how unfair!

Walking a wee bit further I stopped in my tracks!!  A sight before me made me shameful and disgusted with my thoughts and actions.  There a few meters away in a wheelchair sat a man with severe cerebral palsy.  Either his wife or carer was with him as I heard her say to him, ‘Smile so we can take a selfie!’  She did not have to say smile for the pure unadulterated freedom, happiness and joy was plastered across his face.  He could not use his arms or walk or even talk properly but here he was in the sunlight of the day enjoying life to the fullest he possibly could.  There I was still physically fit and able wallowing in resentments and self-pity.

Taking this in and reflecting whilst I walked to what I had just witnessed, silently I thanked god for his generosity and grace.  Only minutes after doing so I saw four young people with downs syndrome crossing the road.  They walked into a supermarket and something – some power made me follow behind them.  There was no reason for me to walk into the supermarket – just some unseen force that guided me there.  Mesmerized I stood and watched these four young people interact with trust, honesty and compassion as together they tried to work out how much their items would cost and how much they needed to go home.  Minutes past and an overwhelming sense of warmth and love shot through me whilst taking in the scene in front of me.  How dare I wallow in self-pity and resentment?   Having my god given mental capacities still intact is a gift that I have not fully appreciated or been thankful for – yet here are these amazing human beings that just by their actions praise their higher power for the abundance they feel has been given…

I am thick and stubborn.  Many times I do not hear what other people say, sometimes I do not invest fully in others that are in my company.  It takes someone to hit me over the head sometimes for me ‘to get it’ and I think this revolves around my self-centredness and trying to control everything.  If I don’t control the show why should I listen?  I am so full of myself how could I ever have enough room to fully accommodate anyone else?  This is one of the character defects I am working very hard on, so as I continued on my morning journey, went to my car, grabbed the book I am reading and sat down to read it on the grassy area of Wanda Beach?

As I was about to open the book titled ‘Make Miracles‘ a man about my age stood beside where I was sitting.  His left hand was deformed either from birth defect or a horrible accident – it was crushed and only stubs appeared where his fingers should.  In his other hand he held a mobile phone and was chatting, laughing looking joyous and free.  He stood there for several minutes – there was no reason why he would walk to where I was sitting, there was no reason he would stand beside me, literally within arms distance.   But here he was happy, joyous and free and the fact that he had a deformed hand did not seem to even register to him.  He did not hide it – he did not seem to resent it – it was part of him and was perfectly imperfect.  Yet here I was with no disability questioning why me.

So my morning had been full of ‘god jobs’ but as I opened up the book the the chapter titled ‘How It Works’ it described a gratitude list but in reverse and I read it and absorbed it BUT we will get to that!!!

So after reading this chapter I sat and reflected and realized how much I owe and how little I have given.  However being who I am it was not long before again I started to spiral into to depths of self-pity again.  Without going into it I began thinking of myself, and what about loneliness, how do I meet new people – really meet new people as I have always been great at chatting with them, being the actor, always being the nice guy, but everyone -including me – knowing that I was not giving of my true self.  The one that has doubts, resentments, fears, anger, self loathing and a whole list of character defects.

It was time to get a coffee and think about things as I drove to Southgate.  My epiphany ‘light bulb’ moments – and they were big moments – lost again whilst I was feeling sad, lonely and sorry for myself.  I told you I am stubborn and sometimes need a 4×2 to crack my thick skull to let things in, but thankfully my higher power was nothing but persistent today.  As I made it down from the escalator there was a man whose leg had been amputated surrounded by people that obviously loved him.  He was smiling and happy – oblivious to the limb he had lost – engaging honestly with those around him and I could see that this was being reciprocated.  Double whammy loneliness and outlook on life after physical crisis.   Man, was I getting some lessons today.  And on reflection the man in the wheelchair with his wife or carer, the Downs Syndrome group all having a go!!!

So as I sat at the Pavement Cafe and ordered my coffee I grabbed the newspaper expecting to have some more alone time.  As I started reading it two ladies on the table opposite smiled at me and began to engage me in conversation – it was just chit chat, but it was light and a relief.  After I finished my coffee I went home and onto the beach with my kids and a random couple came up to me and starting chatting with me.  Random stuff but we spoke for 10-15 minutes.  Wow was talking to people this easy?

My whole day was full of ‘messages’ that debunked my resentments into the frail and ugly truths they really are.  There is a lesson to be learned in every situation and when you harbor a resentment look for your part in it and 9 times out of 10 the resentment will be gone.

BUT getting back to the subject of a different kind of gratitude list.  The book I was reading pulls no punches and some of the text is a bit dismissive but it says if you want real change you have to ‘do real work’.  Gratitude lists are great ‘but even a monkey can count his blessings’.  If you are going to learn, grow then you

It goes on further that being grateful for everything does not mean you have to have gratitude for it – you can feel however you feel but those feeling must be expressed in the list.  That you be thankful that you have or are experiencing things, acknowledging your feelings will allow you to grow and learn.  It is a gratitude list in reverse – the opposite.  This list you keep to yourself or share with only one other person – the same person all the time that you trust implicitly.

Look I do not know if this works – I am just reading the book now – haven’t even finished it.   All I know that after the day I have had, and the messages that have been delivered to me – I had to share it with someone!!!!