Grief Relationships – Just Deal With It!

I was reading an article the other day where a man in London lost his wife and daughter in a vehicular accident. It described his pain and how he had dealt with watching his beloved wife pass away in his arms and the last thing that she had said to their son. He was alone by the side of the road and his grief was immeasurable. People deal with grief in many different ways and it had me thinking about grief relationships and how to deal with it.

I can’t imagine the pain he has felt, I can’t imagine what it is like to lose someone like that. Whilst I have had my fair share of break ups I find myself now, in a comfortable relationship position with someone I hope to share my life with.

People Deal with Grief In Many Ways

It had me thinking how people deal with the loss of a loved one, either through an accident, a break up, or natural causes and caused me to consider an issue close to my heart.

My Grandparents’ Love Story

Several months ago, my grandparents passed away.  They had been together over 60 years. Strangely, it wasn’t so much their passing that broke my heart. I had long understood and accepted that death claims us all, but it was the reaction from my grandfather which tore me to shreds.  And I had grown up surrounded by their relationship, their ups and downs.  Their utter devotion to each other and all the cute things that they did as a couple.

With age came Alzheimers and dementia.  After being put in a nursing home together it became apparent that they could no longer be safely together with their worsening mental conditions.

Every day my grandfather walked to visit his beloved wife.

He’d sit there, read her stories, hold her hand, stroke her cheek, sing to her in his delightful baritone voice.  Only leaving her when he was forced to by the staff.  She in return would stare blankly at him.

They’d long ago discussed that she’d be the first to go, and that’s what they both wanted.  And as their health deteriorated it became clear that that was the sole thing he held on to.

My grandmothers funeral was a small affair

And my grandfather had long passed clarity and reality. In the drive from the funeral home back to his home he sat and stared at the funeral announcement struggling to make sense of it.  We wheeled him to his room and as I squeezed his hand and said goodbye, clarity suddenly struck and he squeezed it back.  Looked at me with tears streaming down his proud face, and simply said ‘My wife is gone’.

A few weeks later he passed away.

He simply had nothing else to focus on.

Grief Relationships – Five Stages of Grief

Grief in this situation, arguably, had a profound and finalising aspect.  For the most part in the study of psychology grief has five stages generally accepted by the majority of the public.  But not so much in academic and psychology circles.

This has been the accepted thinking since 1969 when Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the thinking when studying thoughts of people facing terminal illnesses. It has since transcended into the analysis of other types of negative life changes and stages of loss including the following.

1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

Kubler-Ross wrote in her last book in 2004 that when she wrote about the five stages of grief.

‘They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.  They are responses to loss that many people have, there there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives’. 

From the man who lost his family in a tragic accident, to my grandparents, to the person breaking up with whom they’d thought was their partner for life, these idea of grief and loss is not only incomparable due to the different contexts.  But also to the individuality of the people experiencing them.

There are however, no matter the context, ways to deal with both loss and grief.

Ways to Deal With Grief

• Firstly, get help and find some support or support network.

Whether this be through family and friends, professional help or a support group.  It is important that you surround yourself with positive people whom can help you through this difficult time.

Try and avoid ignoring the loss and the grief, for the most part it is important to accept that grieving and mourning are an important part of the healing process. Communication is especially important for males and to decrease feelings of isolation and loneliness. For those looking after people grieving, it is important to note that there may be anger and regardless of what they say or how they act, that lashing out can be considered a form of venting.

Physical violence, self harm, or harm of any kind should be referred to a medical professional immediately.

• You also need to take care of yourself.

Which is probably the hardest thing to do. It’s important to keep up a healthy or your regular diet even if you don’t have the energy to do so. A depressive state can be managed easier if you continue with the same diet that you’re used to.

A high saturated fat diet, fast food diet, or diet low in vitamins can drastically reduce your energy levels already suffering from a depressive state. It is also important that you get some form of physical exercise whether that be by walking, the gym, or some other form. Early morning exercises are great in pumping the body full of healthy chemicals for the day.

Manage stress by either cutting back at work, sharing the load around the house or calling on friends and family to help with little tasks such as grocery shopping, house cleaning, gardening etc.

• Surprisingly, it can sometimes help to keep regular sexual activity

Such as masturbation.  Whilst grief and loss are separate to feelings of depression, sex is a factor in helping with depression. Again, sexual activity floods the body with positive chemicals and can help in managing pain.

This should probably be discussed with a professional as during grief, mourning and depressive states the body can turn to addictive activities such as drugs, alcohol, sex etc in order to ‘shut out the pain’. It is important to note that whilst this can be helpful it must be practiced in moderation and only as a supplement to all listed above.

A Guide to Ending Your Relationship with Honesty and Respect

Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for our own well-being and growth to let someone know you are Ending Your Relationship. As much as we may know the secrets to better personal relationships  and wanting to keep trying, it can cause more harm than good.  Knowing when it’s time to say goodbye can be a difficult decision. But it’s important to listen to your gut and make the right choice for yourself.

In this guide, we’ll explore how to end your relationship with honesty and respect.

We’ll cover the steps you can take to prepare for the conversation, how to communicate effectively and compassionately, and how to handle the aftermath. Whether you’re the one initiating the breakup or on the receiving end, this guide will provide you with the tools you need to navigate this challenging time with grace and dignity.

So if you’re ready to move on and say goodbye, let’s dive in.

Signs that it’s Time to end a Relationship

It’s not always easy to know when it’s time to end a relationship, but there are some signs that can indicate it’s time to move on. If you’re experiencing any of the following, it may be a sign that your relationship isn’t working.

• You’re no longer happy.
• Fallen out of love.
• You’re constantly arguing or fighting.
• Have different values or goals for the future.
• You’re not being treated with respect or kindness.
• Not able to communicate effectively.
• You’re staying in the relationship out of fear, guilt, or obligation.

If any of these signs resonate with you, it may be time to consider ending the relationship.  It’s important to remember that it’s okay to put yourself first and prioritize your own happiness and well-being.

Importance of Honesty and Respect in ending a Relationship

Ending a relationship can be a painful and emotional experience.  But it’s important to approach it with honesty and respect. Being upfront and transparent about your feelings can help the other person understand why the relationship isn’t working and can help both of you move on. It’s important to remember that honesty doesn’t mean being hurtful or cruel.

It’s possible to communicate your feelings in a compassionate and respectful way.

Respect is also key in ending a relationship.

Even if you’re no longer in love with the other person, it’s important to treat them with kindness and dignity. Remember that they have their own feelings and emotions, and ending a relationship can be just as difficult for them as it is for you. Treat them the way you would want to be treated in the same situation.

Steps to take Before ending a Relationship

Before you have the conversation about ending the relationship, there are some steps you can take to prepare yourself.

1. Reflect on your feelings. Take some time to think about why you want to end the relationship and how you’re feeling. Write down your thoughts and emotions to help clarify your own feelings.
2. Plan what you want to say.  It can be helpful to plan out what you want to say in advance. Think about the key points you want to make and how you can communicate them effectively.
3. Choose the right time and place. Pick a time and place where you can have a private conversation without interruptions. It’s important to give the other person your undivided attention.

Taking these steps can help you feel more prepared and confident when it comes time to have the conversation.

How do I Prepare for the Conversation? 

Having the conversation about ending the relationship can be nerve-wracking, but there are some things you can do to prepare.

1. Be clear and direct.  It’s important to communicate your feelings clearly and directly. Avoid beating around the bush or giving mixed messages.
2. Take responsibility for your feelings.  Use “I” statements to communicate how you feel, rather than blaming or criticizing the other person.
3. Listen to their response. Give the other person a chance to respond and express their own feelings. Be open to their perspective and try to understand where they’re coming from.

Remember that the conversation should be a dialogue, not a monologue. It’s important to listen to each other and have a respectful and compassionate conversation.

How Do I Approach the Conversation? 

When it comes time to have the conversation, there are some things you can do to approach it in a compassionate and respectful way.

1. Start with the positives.  Begin the conversation by acknowledging the positive aspects of the relationship and expressing gratitude for the time you’ve spent together.
2. Be clear and direct. Use “I” statements to communicate how you’re feeling and why you want to end the relationship. Avoid blaming or criticizing the other person.
3. Offer support. Let the other person know that you care about them and want to support them during this difficult time. Offer to be there for them if they need someone to talk to.

Remember that ending a relationship is never easy.  Approaching the conversation with honesty and respect can help both of you move on in a healthy way.

Dealing with Different Reactions

Everyone reacts differently to the news of a breakup, and it’s important to be prepared for different reactions. Some people may become angry or defensive, while others may become emotional or upset. Here are some tips for dealing with different reactions.

1. Stay calm. Try to remain calm and composed, even if the other person becomes upset or emotional.
2. Listen actively. Give the other person a chance to express their feelings and emotions. Be empathetic and understanding.
3. Set boundaries. If the other person becomes angry or aggressive, it’s important to set boundaries and avoid engaging in a conflict.

Remember that everyone processes the end of a relationship differently.  It’s important to be patient and understanding.

Coping with the Aftermath

Ending a relationship can be a difficult and emotional experience. It’s important to take care of yourself in the aftermath. Here are some tips for coping.

1. Allow yourself to grieve. It’s okay to feel sad or upset after a breakup. Allow yourself to grieve and process your emotions.
2. Lean on your support system. Reach out to friends and family for support and comfort.
3. Take care of yourself. Practice self-care and prioritize your own well-being. This can include exercise, healthy eating, and getting enough rest.

Remember that healing takes time. But with patience and self-care, you will eventually move on and find happiness again.

Moving on and Healing

Moving on after a breakup can be a challenging process, but it’s important to focus on your own growth and well-being. Here are some tips for moving on and healing.

1. Focus on yourself. Take some time to focus on your own goals and aspirations. Rediscover your passions and hobbies.
2. Open yourself up to new experiences. Try new things and meet new people. This can help you gain new perspectives and experiences.
3. Practice forgiveness. Forgive yourself and the other person for any mistakes or shortcomings. This can help you let go of any lingering resentment or anger.

Remember that healing is a process.  It’s important to be patient and kind to yourself as you move forward.

Ending Your Relationship

Ending a relationship can be a difficult and emotional experience, but approaching it with honesty and respect can help both parties move on in a healthy way.

By following the steps outlined in this guide, you can prepare for the conversation, communicate effectively and compassionately, and handle the aftermath in a way that prioritizes your own well-being and growth. Remember that healing takes time, but with patience and self-care, you will eventually move on and find happiness again.

Stephen Teebee

Meet Stephen, a bold and opinionated cis-gendered gay advocate for gender equality and sexual education. Join him on the Adultsmart blog for fearless insights.

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