The Adultsmart community blog proudly welcomes Mistress Couple, the Head Mistress of La Domaine Esemar, the world’s oldest BDSM training facility. Mistress Couple is also the author of The Ultimate Guide Series and most recently released her book titled The Ultimate Guide to Bondage: Creating Intimacy Through The Art Of Restraint from Cleis Press.
Welcome Mistress Couple. Let’s get straight into it – how did you first get involved in the BDSM scene?
At 24, I considered my first adult sexual relationship. At the time, my partner communicated fantasies and boundaries well, and our chemistry surpassed previous experiences. On my 25th birthday, I bravely asked him for an over-the-knee spanking, fulfilling a long-standing fantasy.
Agreeing initially, after dinner, as I bent over his knee, he panicked, halting the spanking. “I just can’t hit a woman,” he said. It crushed me! The next evening, I went out to a bar for a “Ladies’ Night” with some of my girlfriends. They all knew that we had this birthday spanking planned and asked how it went. When I informed them about my partner’s inability to follow through, many of them commiserated with me.
After everyone left, my little sister’s best friend escorted me to my car, waiting until the evening’s end. “You know,” she said, “if you’re serious about that spanking I know somewhere you can go.” That friend is now a world renowned dominatrix known as Mistress Blunt. At the time, she was secretly training at La Domaine Esemar. Taking me to my first BDSM party, she introduced me to La Domaine, where I realized its pivotal role in my development.
You have become a world-renowned Mistress, but it wasn’t always like this. You entered the scene as a slave. How did you make the transition?
At La Domaine Esemar on my second day, I formed a strong bond with Master R and Mistress Collette. I offered myself to them as a slave, and they accepted me. At La Domaine Esemar on my second day, I formed a strong bond with Master R and Mistress Collette. At the time, I naturally leaned towards submission and struggled to envision myself as a Domme. It was because of the duality that they saw in me that they named me “Couple.”
As a professional ballroom dancer, I learned follower’s parts first, similar to how I’d learn in the dungeon. When ballroom dancers go into competition, we all wear numbers on our backs to identify us to the judges. My complete slave name was “Couple Number 69.”
Exploring my submission dispelled many misconceptions I had about Dominance, particularly that it was solely about punishment or cruelty. I became attracted to a more submissive woman who brought out my inner dominance. Realising I needed guidance, I became a Mistress-in-Training at La Domaine to develop my dominance role further.
What is your definition of a slave and how they prepare for that role?
Individuals must only use the title ‘slave’ if the person consents to or chooses it for themselves.” In BDSM, a slave is someone who offers their autonomy to their Dominant. Each Dominant has different goals for their slaves, so preparation for the position varies depending on the couple.
Upon entering my home, slaves must strip naked, avoid masking their natural scent, and practice mantras and training positions for efficiency. Many of them also have sexual assignments such as edging or chastity training.
How do you define your role as Mistress Couple?
I would define myself as a leader, healer, caregiver, and mentor. I dub myself a “shamanatrix,” aiding submissives in reaching altered consciousness and self-discovery through BDSM exploration. The most common comment that I get in response to people finding out that I am a dominatrix is “But you’re so nice!!!” I think that’s a common misconception that people have—that you cannot be nice and also be a good Dominant.
Another common misconception is that Mistresses should always punish and never reward their slaves. People are always telling me that I’m too kind to my slaves. I think that’s ridiculous. Why would they want to serve me if I never rewarded them for good behavior? To me, without the appreciation, the rewards, and the positive reinforcement, BDSM just turns into abuse.
You are now the Head Mistress of the world famous La Domaine Esemar featured in press such as Cosmopolitan, Netfilx, The Huffington Post, People, and so many more. An esteemed position – how did you manage to secure it?
I believe I was always meant for this position. Three years before becoming Head Mistress of La Domaine, I had a premonition during a meditation session about it. At the time, being very submissive, I pushed it out of my mind, dismissing it as mere fantasy. I’m still not quite sure how the rest happened! Sometimes life takes you on unexpected adventures.
You are also a pretty good dancer and hold a degree in choreography. Do you incorporate that in your role playing?
Oh yes! I absolutely love working dance into my training in as many ways as possible. Be it position training for submissives, a trampling tango CBT session, feminisation or sissification ballet classes, learning to walk in heels, etc. My experience as a ballroom dance instructor has also proven to be incredibly useful in couples instruction or BDSM coaching sessions. It’s all about learning to communicate clearly and with ideal intent.
You have invented a ‘new form’ of dance called the ‘Tangle’. What can you tell us about that?
Tangle is not exactly a new form of dance. It’s a class that teaches tango through the lense of power exchange and bondage. Early on in my professional ballroom dancing career, I noticed that the traditional gender roles for leaders and followers did not suit everyone. (Go figure!) This class gets rid of the gender binary and allows all folks who identify as Dominant to be leaders, and all folks who identify as submissive to be followers.
Believe it or not, people learn to dance much more quickly when they’re in the role that they identify with! Some of the class activities involve learning non-verbal leading and following through leash training, practicing the tango rhythm by spanking each other, using blindfolds to establish trust, and binding the bodies together in order to reinforce connection. The class definitely makes a wonderful date night activity.
You have recently completed writing a book. What inspired you undertake this task?
Honestly, a magical moment. I was on vacation in New Orleans, which is my spiritual/social second home. At breakfast with friends, I casually mentioned that at 30, perhaps it was time for me to write a book. I didn’t think much of it, but at 3 PM, an email from Cleis Press arrived, asking for a proposal for The Ultimate Guide to Bondage! I couldn’t believe it. It was as a sign from the matriarchs of New Orleans, submitted my proposal, and never looked back
There are many BDSM and bondage guides and books available. What sets yours apart from the rest?
This book really is the “Ultimate Guide.” In today’s BDSM community, there is a surplus of rope bondage and rope suspension images, instructors, workshops, etc. Unfortunately, what I have found is that knot tying can be incredibly intimidating to novice bondage practitioners. Many people have one frustrating rope experience and then decide bondage isn’t for them.
Other forms of bondage include mental bondage, which needs no equipment, and fashion bondage like corsets, hobble skirts, or mummification using bondage tape or saran wrap. More of these are covered in the book as well. I would say that only about 20% of the book is about rope bondage. The book covers safety, theory, psychology behind bondage attraction, and explores various bondage types. And even some wonderful erotic essays that lend insight into participating in bondage activities.
Having looked through the book there were many pictures or images that really made it easy to follow. Did you oversee the imagery?
I am so glad to hear that! Yes, I oversaw the imagery, created by two of my very talented friends. Emily Dorr did the beautiful illustration, bringing some of the concepts of the book to life. I think that the first time I saw the images that she created was the first time that I thought “Wow—this is going to be a REAL book!” The photographs in the book were taken by my friend Kiki Vassilakis.
That photoshoot might have been the most fun thing I have ever done! For 2 nights, we turned the La Domaine dungeon into a photo studio. I invited over about 25 of my friends, broke them up into teams, and assigned each team a few of the tutorials. We listened to music, ate great food, and created some amazing images! Collaborating on these images inspired us, and diverse perspectives sparked our creativity, leading to groundbreaking bondage images.
After the photoshoot, I stopped calling The Ultimate Guide to Bondage “MY book,” and started calling it “a book that I created with the help of my community.” I am so grateful to all those who participated.
What are you most proud of in writing this guide?
Finishing it. This project was certainly the biggest undertaking of my life, and I was still running La Domaine Esemar, hosting, teaching, and sessioning while writing it! I am also very proud of some of the new ideas and perspectives on bondage that I presented. I hope that I’ve made some valuable contributions to the understanding and acceptance of bondage enthusiasts.
Is your book aimed at the newbies to give them insight into BDSM or the hardcore participants?
This book has a little something for everyone. The tutorials are simple enough for beginners to complete, yet unique enough to interest expert practitioners, covering balloon encasement, predicament bondage, and even ice locks. This book covers 10 different areas of bondage (Japanese Rope Bondage, Device Bondage, Objectification Bondage, Mental Bondage, Costume Bondage, Sensation Bondage, Sensory Deprivation, Fetish Bondage, Physically Stressful Bondage, and Self-Bondage). Even if someone is an expert in one or even a few of these areas, there are still a variety of new approaches and applications for them to explore.
What do you most enjoy about power play in BDSM role play?
To me, BDSM is not role play, it is my sexuality and an expression of my personality. The thing that I love most about power exchange is that by choosing to assume or relinquish control with a trusted partner, people can access the deepest, most secret and sacred parts of their sexualities. Practicing BDSM has deepened my self-awareness more than ever before.
When you feel stressed or tired, what downtime activity brings you back to center?
This depends on whether I want to be in a Dominant headspace or a submissive headspace while I am relaxing. If I want to be in a Dominant headspace, I cook. Cooking requires a lot of executive functions such as organisation, problem solving, and multitasking, but it also gives me the opportunity to engage my senses.
By smelling, tasting, feeling, seeing, and even listening to my food as it is cooking, I am honing the same skills that I use to read my submissives during a BDSM scene. I find it to be a relaxing, meditative, and incredibly sensual activity. If I am in a mood that precipitates a more submissive approach, I go out social dancing in the role of a follower. I just turn off my brain, and let the music and my dance partner guide my body around the room. It really is sweet surrender!
As well as offering [play] sessions at La Domaine, there are training sessions, too. What does a training session incorporate?
Training sessions are for individuals, couples, and polycules up to 6 people. These sessions are instructional in nature and cover a variety of BDSM topics from relationship structuring to bondage to impact play, and beyond. Talk-based or technique-based, the sessions offer diverse perspectives, enriching our exploration of bondage.
There are many fetishes that fall under BDSM. Are there any that you would not personally explore and what is your favourite?
There are plenty fetishes that I would not personally explore, but I’m not going to put them on blast because there is so much shame and stigma associated with fetishes and I do not want to contribute to that. As far as my favorite fetishes go, balloons, shoes, feathers, and leather are at the top of my list. To learn more about my balloon fetish, check out the erotic essay portion at the end of the book!
To purchase the Ultimate Guide to Bondage by Mistress Couple click on the book image above!!!
Meet Rick, Adultsmart’s owner with 35+ years in the adult industry. A sex blogger, advocate for gender and sexuality equality, offering a diverse product range.
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