There’s been much discussion around the term ‘Queer Baiting’ recently within the media. It’s a term is defined as adding homoerotic tension between two different characters with the sole purpose of attracting liberal and queer viewers.
Think Gabrielle and Xena as a classic example. You can see this with the recent rise of ‘The Magicians’, ‘True Blood’, ‘Supernatural’. As well as other like-minded shows which blend fantasy elements with overt sexualisation between same sex couples.
You have celebrities such as Robin Williams, Sacha Baren-Cohen, Harry Styles. Even Nick Jonas arguably gay-ing up their lives in order to drum up their audiences.
Queer Baiting is not just Limited to the Guys
But the girls as well with Katy Perry’s I kissed a girl and Britney and Madonna’s kiss. With the LGBTIQ buying power estimated at over 830 billion, is it any wonder that the celebrities are trying to cash in?
None of these performers have explicitly come out as queer. Instead opting for a fauxmosexuality that flirts with the idea of Lesbian/gay and bisexuality.
What annoys is me the most is that these characters are permitted to wear these ‘sexuality labels’. Where the queer community still fights for equality. Nick Jonas strips down, attaches his body to chains and, for commercial purposes, flaunts what he has.
When asked if he has ever fooled around with men his response was enigmatic. ‘I can’t say if I have or haven’t, but if you watch [Kingdom] you’ll see more of that.’
If you’re gay, simply say it.
Why is there the need to hide behind a mask of ambiguity? The argument here is a catch 22, to say that you are gay would somehow hurt ones career. But by not admitting ones sexuality you can be hurting the community.
On one hand saying you’re a supporter, but not actually committing to it.
This sentiment is echoed by Wentworth Miller in his speech at the Human Rights Campaign dinner. When he not only came out, but spoke about supporting his community. In contrast we see the above, still flirtatious comments. Which clearly demonstrates that Jonas is making himself commercially viable in terms of drawing in as much a market as possible – which from a business perspective is fantastic marketing.
Is that Appropriate?
When you have people struggling to gain acceptance in a social setting, can it really be deemed that appropriate? Sure, people state that they’re gay friendly, and that they’re merely trying to give attention to queer issues. But when you’re straight, it’s simply not the same.
Adam Lambert recently rejected playing frank-n-furter in the remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Because he felt that the role should go to a trans actor. Thing is, when it comes to straight actors playing gay characters it can be considered funny. Or you’re not actually throwing homosexuality in people’s faces.
Straight people turn a blind eye
Because, in their mind, it is simply a straight dude playing a gay dude and that’s pretty much okay. It’s not okay though to treat Queerness as a commercial commodity. It’s not okay to make a mockery of homosexuality despite your best warm hearted intentions.
Charles Pulliam-Moore in an old article states that ‘Explicit male sexuality is a cultural commodity. And if Nick Jonas is to be successful, then Nick Jonas is going to have to give the public its pound of flesh.’
What? Taylor Swift, one of the most successful pop stars on the planet, has not once had to take her shirt off, pose nude or sexualise her music or videos in any way.
Why does Pulliam-Moore suggest that this approach is okay for Jonas?
It is clear that Nick Jonas is a classic example of this phenomena, who in recent years has said that he loves his gay fans. Has repeatedly stripped down on various covers and played several gay characters in Screem Queens and a gay MMA fighter in Kingdom. And refuses to confirm or deny his sexuality in interviews.
Which, on one hand is a fantastic step for queer representation but why does it have to be in the form of gay baiting?
Society Pressures of Queer Men
Men have a lot of pressure on them in today’s society.
There are certain expectations as they traverse through life. Being a male is not always the easiest of things. And yes, I say this with a feminist mind and understanding.
We spend a lot of time discussing the needs of women, discussing the pressures of being female. This article is by no means a dismissal of that. Nor of the work that we still need to achieve for equality. It serves to demonstrate the pressures that are also place on the male.
I also note that the focus here will be towards a Queer Man
But that many of the issues here can be easily placed on any male regardless of sexuality. Some of these pressures men face include body image, masculinity, dick size, controlling of emotions, being able to cope with whatever life throws at you.
It doesn’t always work like that. Let’s consider the pressures of men in the bedroom and subsequently performance anxiety.
Through the proliferation of porn men are expected to have a decent sized dick.
It doesn’t matter how many studies that there are that state that the majority of females and men do not care about dick size. It’s still a major pressure on men.
For those that disagree, take a look around at the variety of products for bigger dicks. Ranging from pills, creams and all sorts of things that will simply not work.
Look at underwear models where the ideal being presented is a full sized package.
In the queer world, a quick surfing of profiles will reveal statements such as hung, hungry bottom, looking for big cock.
Stories my friends and I have shared over drinks, lunch, messages where one of us will send/receive a message. And the first response is ‘Hung?’. When the reply with a smart alec comment, or simply ‘no, just average’ they get blocked. Not realising the humour/offense that we approach the topic with.
Men have been reduced to a dick size with a complete and utter dismissal of their personality, looks, and them as a human being and a Queer Man.
It goes further
You’ll soon notice the abundance of statements such as no femmes, no queens, no rice, no blacks. Before you’ve even clicked a profile, you’re already being seemingly placed in a box and rejected based on your appearance, behaviour, and pretty much who you are.
For those that argue that dating sites can’t be counted as you’re specifically looking for the perfect match I say this. The pressures on dating sites are a congregated and visible occurrence as to what happens in everyday life and this can happen almost without thinking.
Objectification of black men with their ‘big black cocks’, the dismissal of Asian men as having a small cock. Dismissal of an average male that isn’t toned and muscled.
This doesn’t only just occur on gay dating sites, but also on straight dating websites.
OkCupid has done several data releases of the likelihood of someone responding to a message based on your races. The fact that this information exists also demonstrates the pressures that not only men, but also women face when it comes to dating websites.
A company called C.P. Direct spent around a million dollars on advertising several products ranging from ‘stature’ a dick pill promising to increase size by 26% to a full and firm product designed to enlarge a woman’s breasts. They didn’t have any scientific evidence to back up their claims. But they still took in over 75 million dollars in revenue.
Is it little wonder then that there are a multitude of pressures placed on people when it comes to sexual attractiveness?
Then You Actually Have to Have Sex
Then, once you’ve traversed this minefield of potential rejection, dismissals, and find someone you’d like to bonk down with. You actually have to have sex.
For males, it is generally considered that in order to have sex you need to have a hard dick.
Emphasis being on the hard dick. Sex has therefore been reduced to PiV or PiA sex. Is it little wonder then, with all the considerations above that some guys struggle to keep hard, or achieve an erection before sex.
Being a male, unfortunately, has its societal privileges and that is something that will eventually be equalised.
But what about the other pressures as well?
I’m A Straight Guy Who Is Gay Curious!
Question submitted online.
“Look, I’ll start this off by saying I’m a straight male and I have a girlfriend. But I really wanna know stuff about gay sex. I’ve asked my friends who’s the top and the bottom cos I’m trying to wrap my head around the whole idea you know. But they kind of just laugh the question off and move on. What’s the deal?”
Answer
I would like to thank you for your question.
In answering your question I’d like to point out some of the hesitation as to why people may or may not answer such questions. Outside of the gay community, and even within the gay community – there are numerous stereotypes of bottoms and tops that are harmful to queer identifying people.
An idea that there must be a woman and a man within queer relationships doesn’t quite paint a full picture of the relationship. It can be reductive to the idea of two consensual loving and mutually supportive partners.
Let’s begin by breaking down the idea of anal sex.
Gay men that engage in anal play (remembering that there are significant portions of gay men that do not like anal play and prefer oral stimulation and mutual masturbation) are typically delegated to a dominant and submissive role that allegedly aligns with their sexual role.
For example, a man that loves cock up his ass is generally considered to be submissive. This is incorrect. A dominant or submissive personality is in no way related to their sexual preferences within the bedroom.
Part of this stigma lies within the perception of the act of intercourse itself
Then by comparing that to PiV sex (Penis in Vagina). A penis is an active participant in sex, with the vagina being the receptive participant. The dick penetrates the vagina for pleasure with the dick (masculinity) being active and the vagina (femineity) being passive.
Through this understanding of sex, many people automatically assume that one that is penetrated is feminine and that they’re submissive. Because it directly relates to their understanding of what they’ve been brought up with when it comes to traditional heterosexual relationships, and sexual intercourse.
Labelling one as a top or bottom
Automatically translates to the idea that there is a male and female within a gay relationship. This is inaccurate. As the fact is, simply put, that there are two (fe)males within a relationship who provide each other with mutual love, support and understanding.
As with any relationship this support ebbs and flows based on whatever is going on within their lives, and social power naturally shifts between them over time.
Whilst there are certainly individuals out there who refuse to bottom, or who refuse to top – much of that ideal is surrounded by the idea of shame, embarrassment, or even guilt.
Bottoms have traditionally been seen as sub-par within their own community
And to people that identify as heterosexual/heteroflexible. Bottoms take it up the ass, they are often depicted as feminine individuals. Men who want to be women, or even considered to be subservient. Combine this with the idea of homophobia and the common insults hurled at gay men. You’ll begin to see why the idea of taking it up the ass might be considered to be negative.
There’s shame, there’s hurt, there’s guilt and there’s often embarrassment with taking on a label. Which is why many men will only reveal their preferences to someone that they’re in a relationship with, or who they intend to fuck.
Such ideals of restricting a queer couple to a top or bottom role are incorrect
Is generally based within a culturally, social sexist understanding of heterosexual relationships. A male and a female in a relationship is usually generalised as the male being dominant and the female being submissive. Any deviation from that is often cast within a negative light. ‘Oh you’re pussy whipped’, ‘She’s the man of the relationship’.
Such phrases and utterances directly relate to, and rely on, the perceived differences between a male and a female where the insult is relies on the direct comparison to that of the opposite sex.
Bottoms are simply people who enjoy anal pleasure.
They can have submissive personalities. They can be dominant, they can be masculine, they can be feminine and they can be everything and everyone in between. A fact is that the stimulation of the prostate is one of the most sensational kinds of orgasms that a male can experience
Some men are even completely capable of experiencing an orgasm and ejaculation through prostate stimulation without even touching their own dick.
As we begin to approach sex with the idea of pleasure in mind, many straight identifying men are slowly realising that anal sex isn’t gay sex. Remember to always practice safe sex and use a condom. Stimulation of the prostate by their girlfriends, their wives, or their fuck buddy doesn’t make them gay.
In order to break down this dichotomy it is important to rethink traditional values associated with heterosexual relationships. Refocus on a sex positive idea that any normal relationship will naturally ebb and flow with power between individuals as they traverse through life.
Final Thoughts
To answer your question would be complex, as well as reductive and could be perceived, by some couples, as an insulting question despite it clearly being driven by curiosity.
Let’s flip that around and ask the following question.
If they turned around and asked you whether your girlfriend takes charge in the bedroom, whether she ties you up and absolutely dominates you – would you be willing to answer this as their curious eyes bore into your soul?
If the answer is no, then it might be attributed to the perception of losing some of your masculinity. Therefore you might consciously or unconsciously feel that the perception of your identity might change.
Whilst it’s absolutely essential to talk about sex, talk about how we do it, and talk about gender in the bedroom. Sometimes with questions like this as to the specific roles of men within the bedroom, it might be best to simply remain curious.
If there’s anything else that I can assist you with, or you have any questions pertaining to gay sex, anything contained within this article. Please do not hesitate to ask as I’d be more than happy to clarify.
Hope this helps!
Meet Stephen, a bold and opinionated cis-gendered gay advocate for gender equality and sexual education. Join him on the Adultsmart blog for fearless insights.
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